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dj^\^ DE WITT'S ACTING- PLAYS. ^f^J. 

( NiiiTi>:.er 335.) 



Everybody's Friend, 



AU OEiaiNAL COMEDY, IN THREE ACTS. 



BY J. STIKLmG COYNE. 

Author of "^ Widxyw Rtmtr ''TU Broken Hearted Clu7>r " The Lit- 
tle Eebel,'' &c., &c. 



TO WHICH AUK AODKO 



A description of the Costume-Cast of the Chanioteis-Entrances and Exits- 
Relative Positions of the revfonners on the Stage, and 
the whole of tlie Stage Business. 




ROBERT M. DEWlTr, PUBLISHER 
No. 33 Rose Sli^eet. 




f TIMOTHY TO THE RESCUE. An Original Farce, in Ooe Act 

NOW J By Henry J. Byron, Esq. Price 15 Cents. 

TlTPAnT^ i TOMKINS THE TROUBADOUR. A Farce, in One Act. Bjr 

BEADY. ' V'^'r^Lockrov and Marc Michel. Price 15 Cents. 



Uwograpli 




%^rM 



# 



4®" These Plays will be seni to any address, postage paid, on receipt 
of price, Fifteen Cents each. 

R. p, DE WITTj pyiLEsHiRj 

No. 33 Rose Street. 



1. Caste. Comedy. 3 Acts. By T. W. Robert- 

son. 5 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

2. niobody's Child. Dramatic Play. 3 Acts. 

By Watts Philliiis, Escj. 18 Male, 2 Female 
Characters. 

3. £100,000. By H. J. Byron, 8 Male, 4 Fe- 

male Characters. 

4. Dandelion's Dodges. Farce. 1 Act. By 

T. J. Williams. 4 Miilo, 2 Female Characters. 

5. IVilliam Tell ! IVith a Vengeance. 

Burlesque. 2 Acts. By H. J. Byroii. 8 Male, 
2 Female Characters. 

6. Six Months Ago. Farce. 1 Act. By Felix 

Dale. 2 JIale, 1 Female Characters. 

7. niaud's Peril. Drama. 4 Acts. By Watts 

Phillips. 5 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

8. Henry Dunbar. Drama. 4 Acts. By Tom 

Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

9. A Fearful Tragedy an the Seven 

Dials. A Farcical Interlude. 1 Act. By 
Charles Selby. 4 Male, 1 Female Characters. 

10. The Snapping Turtles ; or, Matrimonial 

Masquerading. DuoloKue. 1 Act. By John B. 
Buckstone. 1 Male, 1 B'emale Characters. 

11. Woodcock's L.ittle Came. Comedy 

Farce. 2 Acts. By John Maddison Morton. 
4 Male, 4 Female Characters. 

12. A "IVidow Hunt. Comedy. 3 Acts. (Al- 

tered from his own comedy of "Everybody's 
Friend.") By J. Stirling Coyne. 4 Male, 4 
Female Characters. 

13. Ruy Dlas. Komantic Drama. 4 Acts. 

From the French of Victor Hugo. 12 Male, 
4 Female Characters. 

14. IVo Thoroughfare. Drama. 5 Acts and 

a Prologue. By Charles Dickens and Wilkie 
Collins. 13 Male, 6 Female Characters. 

15. Milky AVhite, Domestic Drama. 2 Acts. 

By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

16. Dearer than I^ife. Serio-comie Drama. 2 

Acts. By Henry J. Byron. 6 Male, 5 Female 
Characters. 

17. Kind to a Fault. Comedy. 2 Acts. By 

WHliam Brough. 6 Male, 4 Female Characters. 
13. If I had a Thousand a Year. Farce. 

1 Act. By John Maddison Morton. 4 Male, 3 
Female Characters. 

19. He's a Lunatic. Farce. 1 Act. By Felix 

Dale. 3 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

20. Daddy Gray. Serio-comic Drama, 3 Acts. 

By Andrew Halliday. 8 Male, 4 Female 
Characters. 

21. Play. Comedy. 4 Acts. By T. W. Robert- 

son. 7 Maio ■ 'i'emale Charactejs. 

22. David GarrlcK. Comedy. 3 Acts. By 

T. W. Robertson. 8 Male, 3 Female Charac- 
ters. 

23. The Petticoat Parliament. Extrava- 

ganza. 1 Act. By Mark Lemon. 15 Male, 24 
Female Characters. 

24. Cabman No. 93; or, Founa in a Fnur 

Wheeler. Farce. 1 Act. By T. J, Williams. 

2 Male, 2 Female Characters. 



The Broken-Hearted Club. Comedietta. 
By J. Stirling Coyne. 4 Male, 8 Female Char- 
acters. 

Society. Comedy. 3 Acts. By T. W. Rob- 
ertson. 16 Male, 5 Female Characters. 

Time and Tide. Drama. 3 Acts and a Pro- 
logue. By Henry Leslie. 7 Male, 5 Female 
Characters. 

A Happy Pair. Comedietta. 1 Act. By 
S. Theyre Smith. 1 Male, 1 Female Charac- 
ters. 

Turning the Tables. Farce. 1 Act. By 
John Poole, Esq. 5 Blale, 3 Female Characters. 

The eoose with the Colden Eggs. 
Farce. 1 Act. By Messrs. Mayliew and Ed- 
waids. 5 Male. 3 Female Characters. 

Taming a Tiger. Farce. 1 Act. 3 Male 
Characters. 

The Little Rebel. Farce. 1 Act. By 
J. Stirling Coyne. 4 Male, 3 Female Charac- 

One too Many for Him. Farce. 1 Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 2 Male, 3 Female Char- 
acters. 

Larkin's Love Letters. Farce. 1 Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female Charac- 
ters. 

A Silent IVoniaa. Farce. 1 Act. By 
Thos. Hailes Lacey. 2 Male, 1 Female Charac- 
ters. 

Black Sheep. Drama. 3 Acts. ByJ. Pal- 
giave Simpson and Edmund Yates. 7 Male, 5 
Female Characters. 

A Silent Protector. Farce. 1 Act. By 
T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

The Rightful Heir. Drama. 5 Acts. By 
Lord Lytton. 10 Jlalt;, 2 Female Characters. 

Master Jones' Birthday, Farce. 1 Act. 
By John Maddison Morton. 4 Male, 2 Female 
Characters. 

Atchi. Comedietta. 1 Act. By J. Maddison 
Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

Beautiful Forever. Farce. 1 Act. By 
Frederick Hay. 2 Male, 2 Female Characterc. 

Time and the Hour. Drania. Z Acts. 
By J. Palgrave Simpson and Felij: Dale. 7 
Male, 3 Female Characters. 

Sisterly Service. Comedietta. 1 Act. 
By J. P. Wooler. 7 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

War to the Knife. Comedy. 3 Acts. By 
.l^enry J. Byron. 6 Male, 4 Female Characters. 

Our Domestics. Comedy-Farce. 2 Acts. 
By Fredeiick Hay. 6 Male, 6 Female Char- 
acters. 

Miriam's Crime. Drama. 3 Acts. By 
H. T. Craven. 5 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

Easy Shaving. Farce. 1 Act. By F. C. 
Burnand and Montague Williams. 5 Male, i 
Female Character*. 

Little Annie's Birthday. Farce. By 
Vf. E. Suter. 2 Mffle, 4 Female Characters. 



EVERYBODY'S FKIEID 



%n ©riginal €onuti^ 



m THREE ACTS. 



Br J. STIELING COYNE, Esq., 

Author of *' A Widow Hunt," <■' Broken Hearted Club,'"' Little Rebel,'' '^ Love Knot,*' 

''Ifoihing Venture Nothing yVin," "Did you ever send your Wife to CamberweU," 

"How to Settle Accounts with your Laundress," "Man of Many Friends" 

" Box and Cox," "Married and Settled," "Old Chateau," "Secret 

Agent," "Fraud and its Victims," "Latest from New 

Tork" etc., etc. 



TO WniOH IB ADDED 



A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES CAST OP THE CHARACTERS— EN- 
TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PEH- 
FORMERS ON TfiE STAGE, AND THE WHOIiB 
OP THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



NEW YORK J 

ROBEET M. DE WITT. PITBLISHEaj 

No. 83 Robe Street, 



EVEKTBODT S FKIEND. 



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GIFT 

EST. or J H. CORNING 
uuNE 20. 1940 



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EYEEYBODY'8 FRIEND. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Mr. Fbatherlet's house at Clapham. A handsomely furnished 
apartment on the ground floor, door of entrance at back, c, through which 
is seen the hall. 

Mrs. Featherley discovered in a plain morning dress, seated at table, R. c, 
looking over account books and papers— the Cook near the table — Gardener 
and Coachman waiting up stage. 

Mrs F [To Cook.] A neat little dinner, Cook, with fish and soup, 
and a small dessert, will suffice when we dine alone. I have marked 
some items in your weekly bill that may be dispensed with in future. 

[Gives Cook a paper. 

Cook Oh, very well, ma'am. {Aside to the Servants.] Calls herself 
a lady, and cuts down her cook like that. [Croes up stage, l. 

Mrs F [To GrARDENER.] I find, Drill, that growing early peas is a 
very costly economy ; those we had the other day cost us a shilling 
a pea. We'll have no more early peas ! 

Gardener As you please, ma'am. [Aside.l Rob a gardener of his 
early peas ! I'll never stand that. [Going up l. 

Mrs F Where's the coachman ? 

Coachman Here, madam ! [Comes down to table. 

Mrs F This account of yours is not correct, Harris ; I can't make 
thirty-five days in a month. [Gives Mm paper. 

Coach I beg pardon, madam. [Aside.l I'll give warning to- 
morrow. 

Cook [And the others talk apart, L.] I never was so insulted in my 
born days. 

Gar The place won't suit me, I see. 

Coach Nor me. I hate missuses who pry into what don't con- 
sarn 'em. 

Gar But master' s a perfect gentleman ; he never troubles himself 
about servants. 

Cook No, he's too busy about other people's affairs to mind his own 
— but as for missus, agh ! [Exeunt Servants, c. 

Featherley [Speaking outside, l.] Trap ! here, take these letters to the 
post, and let my horse be at the door in half an hour. 



4 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Enter Featherlet, l. , foUowed hy Tkap vnth letters in his hand, who crosses 
and exits c. , back. 

Feath [Turning over the leaves of his memorandum book.] Let me see 
-what engagements I have to-day. Um ! to call at Grip & Grind, 
the lawyers, about my executorship under old Bagley's will. It 
seems I've been unconsciously doing something I should not have 
done, and that I'm to be simultaneously made the defendant in 
twenty-four actions at law, besides standing a good chance of being 
committed by the Lord Chancellor for contempt. /, that have always 
had the highest respect for that exalted functionary. [Looks at mem- 
orandum book.] Twelve o'clock I'm to be at Grip & Grind's offices, 
Bedford Row. Twelve — that's awkward. I've promised Crawford 
to introduce him to Lord Lazytongs, at twelve, and there are half a 
dozen other appointments that I must keep — but how is it to be 
done ? 

Mrs F [At her accounts at table, R.] Put down six and carry nothing. 

Feath Hey ! [Turns and sees Mrs. Feathkrley.] Eugenia, I did not 
perceive you. What are you doing, my love ? 

Mrs F Casting up my monthly bills ; would you like to look over 
them? 

Feath By no means, my dear ; I have the most unbounded confi- 
dence in your correctness, morally and arithmetically. I audit your 
accounts without looking at them, and pass them unanimously. 

Mrs F [Rising and crossing to l.] At least, you'll sit down, Felix, and 
check the butcher's pass-book for me. I suspect he has put down a 
leg of mutton which we have never had, and I'm not sure that his 
charges are always right. Sit down ; here are pen and ink. 

[Puis the pass-book into his hands and sits at work-table, l. 

Feath I— 1— [Takes seat at table, r. and sighs.] What's this ? "B-f— " 
oh, ah, that's the phonetic for beef — and here, in the next line— 
"Brush, brash, breast of— of w-h-e-a-1 !" 

Mrs F Veal, my dear ! 

Feath What a superfluity of literature your butcher bestows upon 
a breast of veal. Um, "nine lb. ten oz. at seven pence three farthings, 
six and two pence three fathings." [Aside.] I might as well try to 
discover the longitude. — I've a dreadful headache this morning, 
which quite unfits me for abstruse calculation. That confounded 
Benson would insist on my supping with him, last night, after the 
opera. You know Benson, my dear, an old friend of mine — capital 
fellow, the best cigars in London. I resisted as long as I could, 
knowing you were here alone, and should have been so delighted to 
have spent a quiet, sociable evening together ; but a man must 
sometimes make a sacrifice of himself for his friend. 

JIfrs i^ Undoubtedly, my dear, "sometimes;" but you are .perpet- 
ually offering yourself on the altar of friendship, and in your eager- 
ness to render yourself useful to any one who needs your assistance, 
you entirely neglect your own affairs. 

Feath Now, really, my dear Eugenia, you are too severe. I confess, 
when a friend wants a helping hand, even on a bill of exchange, I 
can't refuse him— it's a coostitutiooai weakness ; sternly speaking. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 6 

it may be a fault— but it's not pleasant to be reminded of one's 
faults. 

Mrs F Forgive me, dear Felix ; what I said was not meant as a 
reproof. Our friends have claims upon our active services, but to 
devote oties's whole time to them — 

Feath Is preposterous! You are right, Eugenia, as you always 
are ; from this very day forward, I'll not take the slightest interest 
in anybody's affairs but our own. [Both come down. 

Mrs F How glad I am to hear you say so, for now I want to con- 
sult you on the propriety of having one of those new washing 
machines ; I'm told the saving they effect in soap is immense. 

Feath [ Who is turning over the leaves of his memorandum book.] Certainly, 
xny dear, by all means let us save in soap. 

Mrs F And here are the plans for the cottages [Taking them from table, 
B.] I wish to have built for six poor families on your Hampshire 
estate. Are they not pretty ? 

Feath [Looking at them carefully.] Charming, cozy little nests, with 
the woodbines and roses climbing over the walls— a perfect paradise 
for hedge-sparrows. 

Mrs F I have calculated they can be built for a very moderate sum, 
indeed, and although we are not rich, we may, by retrenching a few 
of our expenses, and by — 

Feath Saving in soap — 

Mrs F Be enabled to contribute to the comfort of these poor 
people, without materially inconveniencing ourselves. 

Feath And the consciousness of having done a benevolent action 
will make us endure our privations with fortitude. By-the-bye, 
Eugenia, don't you think this room wants refurnishing ? 'Ihe curt^ 
ains are as faded as a fashionable beauty at the end of the London 
season. 

Mrs F We must send them to the dyer, then, to recover their good 
looks. Here are the estimates for my cottages. [Taking paper from 
table, R.] Will you examine them, dear ? 

Enter Trip, c. flat, with letter on salver which he hands to Mrs. Featherlet, 
who opens and reads it to herself. Trap exits. 

Feath Estimates ! I'm utterly incompetent to the task ! I haven't 
a head for bricks and mortar. Pray, my dear, take all these matters 
into your own hands, [Looking at his watch] for I really have not time. 
[Aside.] She's a charming little creature, and so good— I'm sure, if 
she had been anybody's wife but my own, I should be distractedly 
m love with her. 

Mrs F 1 have invitation cards here, Felix, to Mrs. Grimshaw's 
Lxcehior Conversazione this evening— will you come ? 

Feath Mrs. Grimshaw ! [Aside.] I know that terrible piece of in- 
tellectuality who stands up for the rights of women in undarned 
stockings. I'll not be lured to her den r if I can help it. 

3frs F Well— what do you say ? Miss Thornback, the famous 
American advocate for abolishing the distinction between the sexes. 
IS to be there. ' 



6 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Feath [Aside.'] Heaven preserve me ! On consideration, my dear, I 
have an engagement this evening. The fact is, I have promised to 
meet Sir Twamley Turner at the Megatherium — I want to secure his 
interest to get young Wotherspoon a place under government, 
where there's a good salary and nothing to do for it. 

Mrs F Wotherspoon ! Why, you know almost nothing about 
him. 

Feith So much the better— I can draw on my imagination for his 
merits — which I could not do if I knew him more intimately. 

Mrs F Then you cannot accompany me : — but this afternoon, you 
remember, you have promised to take me to the flower show afc 
Chiswick. 

Feath This afternoon ! Well, now that is particularly unfortunate. 
I quite forgot the flower show, and I have— a — 

Mrs F IshmQ another engagement. \_Wilh emotion.] 'Tis the first 
time since we were married that I felt the bitterness of being for- 
gotten :— but I have no right to be exacting— I claim neither your 
time nor your thoughts— nothing, Fehx— nothing that your heart 
does not spontaneously yield me. [She turns away to conceal her tears. 

Feath Hem, hem ! [Aside] There, I've brought tears to her eyes, 
and rashly charged those formidable engines against myself. Hem ! 
I can't stand it. I find 1 must give up the day to domestic exi- 
gencies. Eugenia, my love, don't : — nothing spoils the eyes so much 
as tears, and yours are such beautiful ones. As you seem to desire 
it, I will remain at home with you this morning and in the after- 
noon we'll go together to the flower show. 

Mrs F [Delighted.] Dear — dear Felix, have I, indeed, not lost the 
power of rendering you happy in my society ? Do I still possess the 
empire I once held over your heart ? 

Feath Undivided and absolute — with all the rights, privileges, and 
prerogatives appertaining to the sovereignty of that vital organ. I 
have discussed the matter seriously with myself, and have arrived at 
the conclusion that man can nowhere be so happy as in his own 
home, when that home is brightened by the presence of a beloved 
object. [Sighs. 

Mrs F [Caressing him.] Dear Felix, now you speak as you used to 
do. [He puts his arm round her u-aisi ] This is so like your manner 
when we were married twelve months ago. 

Feath Only twelve ! I thought it was much longer. 

3f7's F Has the time, then, been wearisome to you? 
^ Feath Oh, no, no — it has been one long— very long dream of hap- 
piness. [Yawns slightly and sits in an easy chair L. of table, R.] I beg your 
pardon, my dear, that confounded IBenson and his late suppers ! 
Come, now, can't you give me a little music ? 

Mrs F Certainly" [Mrs. Featherley opens piano.] What shall I sing 
you ? [Turning over some music] Ah ! here's that pretty little romance 
you wrote for me — when — need I say when, Felix ? 

Feath Oh, no, I remember perfectly— it was one of my nonsensical 
effusions, when I was spoons about you. 

Mrs F Spoons ! 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 7 

FeaLh Well, -when I was dying in love with you, my dear. Have 
you nothing from the new opera, or that last pretty ballad ? 

3Irs F You know, dear, that since we came to town, my time has 
been so completely occupied by household duties, I have not had 
leisure to open the piano. 

Feath Very true, and I have no doubt you performed those duties 
with unflinching zeal, and managed the afiairs of the pantry with 
an executive skill that merits my warmest acknowledgments. 
Never mind the ante-nuptial romance. 

Mrs F Well, then, I will read for you, Felix. You used to be fond 
of poetry. [Takes mi album from table, l. u e.J And here are some 
beautiful pieces I have copied in my albi^m. 

Feath Yes, I am particularly partial to poetry, and should like of 
all things, to hear you read to me. 

Mrs F [_Sits l. of Featherley and opens album.] How singular ! I 
have opened at a sonnet addressed to me by yourself. We may 
fancy ourselves lovers again, Felix, as on the day you gave it to me. 

Feath Ah, that was an eventful day ! I remember, I had half an 
ounce of prussic acid prepared to swallow in your presence if you had 
rejected me. But the sacrifice was averted— for, like a pitying angel, 
you accepted me, and my life was saved, with the loss of my band. 
[Nestling comfortably amongd the cushions.'] What followed is matter of 
parochial history. Ah, well, let me hear it. 

[He disposes himself to listen in the easiest posture he can take, 

Mrs F [Reads.] "The harp I take— but I can choose no theme 
Eugenia, but thyself, when thou art nigh. 
Oh, grant me inspiration from the beam 
Of liquid light that laughs in either eye. 
Like twin stars, mirrored in the dimpling stream." 

Feath [Drowsily.] "Dimpling stream." That's pretty ! 

Mrs F "Grant inspiration by those lips' sweet sigh, 
Which flies as odor-laden zephyrs fly, 
O'er beds of infant roses — " 

Feath [Slightly snores.] Hey ? [Rousing himself] Charming ! chaming ! 
Your reading has such a tranquilizing effect. 
[ Wliile Mes. Featheeley continues to read, Featherley gradually falls 



Mrs F "Grant inspiration by those lips' sweet sigh. 

Which flies as odor-laden zephyrs fly. 
O'er beds of infant roses, — lips, which seem 

Sweet music's ruby gates— and I will try, 
By one ethereal presumptive flight. 

To woo the muses in their native sky : — 
But look not so— with eyes so killing bright, 

They scorch, they dazzle, and consume me quite. 
Yet better thus— to perish in their lis;ht. 

Than live without their beams in darkest night.' 



8 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

[IcEBROOK appears at the door, L. c. hack, while Mrs. Feathebley is reading 

— when she has concluded, he applauds — Featherlet awakened by the noise, 

jumps up and applauds too. 

Feath and Icebrook Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ! 

Feaih Capital ! [^Returning to consciousness.] Ah ! what, my dear fel- 
low, Icebrook ! Ha, ha, ha ! You have surprised us in one of our 
little conjugal matinees. I'm an enthusiast in poetry — and my wife's 
reading — 

Ice [Significantly.'] Sets every care to sleep. 

Feath [Apart to Icehrook..] Don't— don't. The heat of the weather, 
and— a drowsy calmness to which I am occasionally subject — 

Mrs F [Ixiughing.] It w%b scarcely fair of you, Mr. Icebrook, to 
play the eaves-dropper — I never read aloud but to please my husband. 

^ea^A Never, but to please me. [Yawns slightly.] It's delightful 
when we're alone. [Chimney clock strikes eleven. 

Mrs F Eleven ! dear me, how time flies — and I have a thousand 
things to do. Shall we expect you to dinner, M!r. Icebrook ? 

Ice Madam — I — I— a— fear that— I— 

Feath Oh, hang your fears ! you must come — we shall be quite 
B-lone and dull — ^hem — I mean quiet and sociable. 

3Irs F We shall reckon on you, then? [Icebrook hows.] Let me 
see, now, I have first to visit our girls' school, then to call on one or 
two tradespeople ; — but you shall find me ready at one o'clock to 
accompany you to the flower-show ; so till then, good bye, dear. 
[Mrs. Featherley curtsies to Icebrook, and exits r. 

Feath Frank, that's an adorable woman ! But I've discovered she 
has one serious fault, she's — [Sighs. 

Ice What? 

Feaih [r] She's too good for me. 

Ice [l] Ha, ha, ha ! That's a strange fault in a wife. 

Feath It's a melancholy fact, though. Eugenia was intended by 
nature to shed a mild luster on a family hearth-rug. She should 
have been united to a man who could appreciate as they deserve, her 
devotioq to domestic duties, and her talent for pickles. Would you 
believe it, Frank, that angel knows the multiplication table in all 
its complex ramifications. In an abstract point of view, I don't 
object to the intellectual advancement of the sex — but a man feels 
himself humbled in the presence of a woman who knows the multi- 
plication table. 

Ice Poor fellow ! how deeply you are to be pitied ! But if I could 
picture such a future to myself, with the woman I love, what a happy 
dog I should be. 

Feath Ah ! I envy you those delicious sensations. I once experi- 
enced them myself, when I was Eugenia's lover. Days of blissful 
illusion ! We loved, [Sighs] and we married. For one whole 
month I floated in Elysium— not a cloud dimmed our honeymoon ; 
but, alas ! honeymoons don't shine all the year round. [Sighs.] By- 
the-bye, Frank, how goes on your suit with the widow you are pur- 
suing? Has she consented to throw herself and three per cent. 
consols into your victorious arms ? 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 9 

Ice Pray don't make a jest of my suffering. I am really and 
serio usly in love with the paragon of women. 

Feath Seriously ? 

Ice Seriously !" It's not a matter to be laughed at. 

Feath You are quite right, we must not make a jest of your mis- 
fortune. In the course of nature, every man is liable to love— we 
take it like the measles— I know all its symptoms from experience — 
there are three stages to the complaint— first, you love, very bad in- 
deed ; secondly, you are beloved— slight improvement ; thirdly, you 
are married — and the cure is complete. 

Ice You traitor to the noblest passion that ever warmed the 
human breast— do you deny the eternity of love ? 

Feath By no means. It sometimes lives through a whole honey- 
moon. But about your widow, Frank. You never told me her name. 

Ice Her name is Swandown. 

Feath Swandown ! What a nice, soft, comfortable name— Mrs. 
Swandown. Ah ! it's a name to love— and this delicious Swandown 
— I know she must be delicious— is she propitious to your suit ? 

Ice That's precisely what I want to discover — I cannot any longer 
endure my torment. 

Feath Is it a chronic attachment on your part ? 

Ice Decidedly— from my earliest cMldhood I secretly loved my lit- 
tle playmate. 

Feath Precocious susceptibility ! 

Ice I was sent early from college to travel, and during my absence 
she was married to a rich old city merchant. 

Feath Ay, the vagrant cupid— though he flutters about a good deal 
amongst bowers and flowers, and cottages, generally closes his 
wings near the Bank of England. 

Ice I can't describe to you the effect her marriage had upon me. I 
was miserable, and had serious notions of retiring to a hermitage 
on the summit of Mont Blanc ! but at the end of five years, and be- 
fore I put my solitary prcject into execution, Mrs. Swandown's 
husband died. 

Fertth Heaven released the poor man from his labors, and his in- 
consolable relict, I dare say, dropped a warm tear upon the cold stone 
where his numerous years and virtues were recorded. 

Ice At all events my love revived when I heard she was again free, 
and for eighteen months I have followed her with the fidelity of her 
shadow or her puppy dog, but, somehow, I never seem to come 
nearer to my object. 

Feath And whose fault is it ? Not the lady's, I'll be sworn. The 
fact is, you're s<j cursedly cold and reserved amongst women — 

lee No — no — 'tis not coldness ; 'tis the profound awe which a pet- 
ticoat inspires, that strikes me dumb. When Mrs. Swandown is not 
present, I compose speeches full of poetry and passion, but the mo- 
ment she appears I lose the power of speech. 

Feath Ha, ha, ha, ha ! If you can't speak, why don't you take 
her hand ? 

Ice So I do, every time we meet. Oh, that lovely hand ! so white, 
so small, so soft, that I — 



10 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Feath That you kiss it rapturously. If you were an anchorite, you 
could not do less— I couldn't — no man could — 

Ice Me kiss it — I never attempted anything so daring — tliough I 
confess I should greatly like it. Souietimes, when she abstractedly 
leaves that little hand in mine, I am sorely tempted, but I call reso- 
lution to my aid, and respectfully let it go. 

Fealh Frank, I wish you were not my friend — I wish I dil not 
respect your high moral principles, that I might kick you out of my 
house this moment. Yoa a lover, and drop the hand of your charmer 
as if it was the claw of a griffin ! 

Ice I wish I had a little of your impudence ; but I haven't. I can't 
look in the face of a woman under sixty years of age without blush- 
ing, and I feel more alarmed at a glance from a pair of bright eyes, 
than at a brace of pistols leveled at my head. Therefore, I am come 
to ask your assistance. I haven't an idea how you can help me, but 
you're such a clever fellow, and so good-natured, that I make no 
apology for troubling you. 

Feath Not the least occasion, my dear fellow. I live but 4o oblige 
my friends, and my friends kindly live to make use of me. Now 
let's see what's to ha done for you. Have you ever written to Mrs. 
Swandown ? 

Ice Never. I tried, but my hand shook so, I was obliged to give 
it up. 

Feath There you were wrong — that shaking hand would have won 
her heart. A woman always believes in the sincerity of a lov^r when 
he shows an indecision in his "p's" and "q's," or a forgetfulness of 
dots to his "i's" and crosses to his "t's." She attributes them to 
his distraction — and a few blots of ink on the paper are mistaken for 
the scalding tears of despair. 

Ice Dear me ! 

Feath Why don't you attack her with love verses ? they have often 
been found efficcaious in stubborn cases. [Takes the album Mrs. Featii- 
ERLEY has been reading.] Something like this sonnet, which Eugenia 
'^as reading when you came in and disturbed me. [Reads. 

" The harp I take, but I can choose no theme, 
Eugenia, but thyself — " 

What's Mrs. Swandown's name? 
Ice Julia ! 

Feath Ah ( Julia wants another foot. 
Ice Nonsense — she's got two already ! 
Feath Stupid ! I mean tiie poetry — 

' ' I can choose no theme. 
Sweet Julia, but thyself, when thou art nigh. 

Oh, grant me inspiration from the beam 
Of liquid light that laughs in either eye. 

Like twin stars mirror' d in the dimpling stream." 
&c., &c., &c. 

How do you like the style ? 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 11 

Ice Beautiful ! Beautiful ! There's passion in every line. 

Feaih I wrote them to Eugenia before we were married— they gave 
the finishing blow to her disdain — her heart could not stand a double 
fire of love and poetry, and I carried off the prize from a dozen en- 
vious rivals. 

Ice But unfortunately I can't write poetry ; the muses nine did not 
smile upon my natal hour. 

Feath Then you shall have the use of these ; I'll warrant them 
killing ; read them and present them to Mrs. Swandovvn. They'll 
do your business for you. [Icebrook aih at table, r., reading.'] Or stay 
— [Aside.] He'll ruin everything with his modesty. If I could man- 
age to introduce myself to the widow, and give the verses to her 
myself, in his name, with an eloquent appeal to her feelings — hinting 
that her cruelty has driven him to despair and brandy and water, 
which are rapidly hurrying him to an early grave— it could not pos- 
sibly fail. Um ! but he must know nothing about it — and how am 
I to inroduce myself to her ? [To Icebkook.] Frank ! has Mrs. Swan- 
down any particular passion ? 

Ice Passion ! What do you allude to ? [C(yming down k. 

Feaih Has she any fashionable mania —for rare flowers, ugly china, 
parrots, poodles, or preachers ? 

Ice Ah — yes — she's excessively fond of pets, and was especially 
attached to a beautiful Angola cat, lately deceased. 

Feaih An Angola cat ! [Aside.] I know where there's one to be 
sold. [To Icebrook.] Don't take any further trouble in the matter, 
my dear fellow — Mrs. Swandown is yours — ask me no questions, but 
I repeat, she is yours, [lake? album from table. Aside.] I'll copy the 
verses this moment in the library, and then fly to secure the Angola 
cat. Excuse me, Frank, for a few minutes. 

Ics Don't mind me — I'm going. [Exit Featherley into library l. , 
taking album with him.] What a capital fellow he is — so frank and 
generous with men, and so audacious with women. Why should not 
I be audacious with them too ? There's no reason why I shouldn't — 
nothing seems easier — it's only plucking up a little manly resolution, 
and marching boldly to the attack. I really fancy I feel sufiicient 
courage at this moment to reveal the state of my heart to Mrs. 
Swandown. 

Fnier Mrs. Swandown and Trap, c. 

Trap My mistress will be home, ma'am, before one o'clock, if you 
will wait. 

Ice [Aside, and starting.] Mrs. Swandown ! I — bless me — my breath 
is quite gone ! 

Mrs Swandoivn l^o ; I think I will leave a note for her, if you will 
oblige me with writing materials. 

Trap [Going to table, r.] They are here, madam. 

[Arranges writing materials on table, R. and exits, C. 

Mrs S {r.— perceiving Ic^^'Roo-R..] Mr. Icebrook! 

Ice [l ] Yes — ha, ha ! How strangely people meet, Mrs. Swan- 
down — I did not know you were acquainted with — our — my — friends, 
the Featherlevs ! 



12 EVEKYBODT'S FEIEKD.^ 

Mrs S My acquaintance with them is as yet confined to Mrs. 
Featherley. We were friends and schoolfellows, but I have not met 
her since we left Mrs. Tvvittenham's boarding-school. I heard, by 
accident, that she was married and had come to reside in town. I'm 
told Eugenia's husband is one of the most elegant fellows in 
London. 

Ice Hum— a— yes ! He's all very well, but nothing particular. 

Mrs S But how is it I find you still in town ? Two days ago you 
were on the wing for Paris ! 

Ice [ With attempted gaiety.'] Yes — yes — but as Horatio says, ' 'a truant 
disposition" keeps me in London. There are attractions which draw 
us, in spite of ourselves, towards— hum— towards — [Getting embarrassed] 
— the— a— that is— in the direction of sl- -[Aside.] Oh, lord ! 

Mrs S [Smiling.] 1 can easily imagine the influence to which you 
allude, and which must be powerful indeed, since it moves one 
whom the world believes to be insensible. 

Ice [Eagerly.] Oh, the world don't know me — you don't l^now me 
— I don't know myself sometimes — but I feel — [Aside.] Good 
heavens ! I'm on the brink of a precipice— one word more and I'm 
over. Ah— I— can't get it out ! Hah ! I — 

Mrs S What's the matter, my dear Mr. Icebrook ? You have such 
a strange look. 

Ice Hah ! have I ? It's nothing, I assure you. I wish you — um— 
a — good morning. Hem ! good morning, Mrs. Swandown. , 

[Going c. 

Mrs S Stay a moment— I want your opinion about this ring, which 
my jeweler has just sent home. [Holds out her hand.] What do you 
think of it ? 

Ice Beautiful ! superb ! magnificent ! 

Mrs S But you can't see it at that distance— come nearer, and look 
at it closely. How do you like the setting ? Emeralds and pearls, 
you see. 

Ice [Still at a respectful distance.] Nothing can be finer ! 

Mrs S But you have not examined the workmanship. Is it not 
remarkably delicate ? 

[Gives him her hand, which he takes with evident embarrassment. 

Ice Superlatively delicate. [Aside.] I wonder is it her hand or mine 
that trembles so ! 

Mrs S [Putting her hand close to his face.] Are not the pearls beauti- 
fully white? 

Ice [Abstractedly.] Deliciously white and — soft. 

Mrs S [Smiling] Soft pearls ! 

Ice [Confused.] No, no, I mean — smooth and taper — no, that's not 
it. [Aside] I'm nearly at my last gasp. 

Mrs S Yet, do you know, the ring don'taltogether please me. It's 
very pretty, but I should like something more plain. I wish you 
would select one for me — I leave the choice entirely to your own 
judgment. 

Ice To mine, Mrs. Swandown — to mine ? But — I — ^ha, ha, ha I — 
you may dislike my choice. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 13 

Mrs S Whatever it may be, I promise to wear it. 

Ice [Aside.] A daring thought has entered my head. 

3Irs S Yo'u can carry back this ring to the jeweler's. 

Ice Certainly— that ring— but a— it's still on your finger. 

Mrs S I declare, so it is. Well — ha, ha, ha, ha ! vou may take 
it off. 

Jce May I ? [Aside.] I sliall never be able to accomplish the deli- 
cate operation. [Endeavoring to gel off the ring.] This is too trying a 
situation— five galvanic batteries shooting their electric currents 
through my body. [He gets the ring off.] Hah ! I have it. 

3Irs S [Aside and going to table.] If that don't make him speak, the 
man is a downright fool, [Icebrook is about to go.] Wait a moment 
for me while I write a few lines to Mrs. Featherley. 

Ice [Aside.] I hope she's not going to take me in her brougham— I 
haven't nerve for that. Good gracious! I'm all in a tremor! 
[Puts on his hat.] What a sweet little ring ! [Kisses the 7'ing.] I hope 
she didn't see me. 

Mrs S [Writing.] I'm so sorry to keep you, Mr. Icebrook. 

Ice Don't mention it — I'm not pressed for time. 

Mrs S There. [Folding note — strikes table gong. 

Tbap come3 in, c. 
When your mistress comes give her that note. [Leaves note on table.] 
Now, Mr. Icebrook. [She takes his' arm, to his evident embarrassment — he 
does not move — she draws him gently on.] Let us go. 

Ice I — I beg pardon. [Walks rapidly, andpidls Mrs. Swandown after 
him. [Exeunt, c. 

Trap Poor fellow ! he don't seem to go comfortable in double 
harness. 

Enter Featherley from library, l., he reads from a paper, 'the first line or 
two of the poetry. 

Feath That will do famously ^ — there's a tenderness, a passionate 
earnestness in the lines, that must subdue her. Trap ! 

Trap Sir ! 

Enter Mrs. Featherley, r., in a plain walking dress. 

Feath [Looking at his watch.] Let my horse be brought round in fif- 
teen minutes — not a moment later. [Exit Trap, c. 

Mrs F Are you going to ride, Felix ? 

Feath Just a gallop in the park, my dear, for half an hour. I have 
still this racking headache, and the fresh air may do me good. 

Mrs F Do not seek to make excuses— I perceive the constraint 
you impose upon yourself when compelled to sacrifice any portion 
of your time in my company — my affectionate solicitude becomes 
irksome. 

Feath Now, my dear, what coulJ have put such an absurd idea iu 
your head? It's perfectly ridiculous to fancy. 

Fkter Trap, c. , with cards on a salver, which he hands to Mrs. Featherley. 
Mrs F [Reading cards.] *' Major Wellington De Boots— ^Mrs. Wel- 
lington De Boots. ' ' 



14 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Feath [Aside.'] A most fortunate interruption ! Ah, my old friend, 
De Boots. I haven't seen the poor fellow since he was married. I 
suppose we are at home, my dear ? 

Mrs F Certainly. Show the lady and gentleman up. 

{Exit Trap, c. 

Feath You remember Mrs. De Boots when she was Aurelia Maude- 
ville ?— we used to call her the patient angler. 

Mrs F Why, was she an adept in the ungentle craft ? 

F'eath Oh, a perfect mistress of it — but not in the Waltonian sense 
— she employed her time in angling for a husband. She knew all 
the most killing baits for young greenhorns, tough bachelors, and 
elderly widowers — but somehow, though poor Aurelia angled year 
after year, at all the watering places in England and the continent, 
the fish wouldn't bite. At length, by a lucky cast on the Esplanade, at 
Hastings, she hooked my unwary fiiend, De Boots, and landed hiai 
one fine morning, in the parish church, a married man. [Miis. 
Featherley goes up stage, and takes off her bonnet and shaid — Aside.'] By 
the bye, I hope she has forgotten that little flirtation we had at 
Scarborough. I remember one beautiful moonlight evening, while 
wandering with her on the sea-shore, I was so carried away by my emo 
tions, that I threw myself on my knees in the sand at her feet, and 
— Ha, ha, ha ! It was decidedly wrong, but I actually made her a 
declaration of love. Ha, ha, ha ! [Suddenly becoming serious.] What 
dreadful things we do in our mad" youth ! 

Fnter Trap, c, followed hy Major and Mrs. De Boots. 

Trap [Introducing them.] Major and Mrs. Wellington De Boots. 
[Major shakes hands with Mes. Featherley, then crosses and shakes hands 

with Featherley — Mrs. De Boots ^rsi shakes hands ivith Featherley, 

then crosses ?o Mrs. Featherley. 

Mrs De B Eugenia, my sweet friend ! 

Mrs F My dear Mrs. De Boots, this is most kind of you. 

Feath Major, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to see you. 

3Iajor Thank you, thank you. We heard you had come to town, 
and hurried to see you. I have given up my bachelor liberty since 
we last met— joined the Benedictine corps. Duty rather severe — 
discipline strict. 

Mrs De B Major ! 

Major But remarkably pleasant. Featherley, you know my Aure- 
lia? 

Feath I have the happiness of reckoning myself an old friend of 
Mrs. De Boots ; [Crosses to Mrs. De Boots.] and use the privilege of 
one. [Kisses Mrs. De Boots' cheek. 

Major Very good. Ha ! recover arms ! As you were ! 

MrsDeB Ha, ha, ha! [^SAe i!i/rws2'o Mrs. Featherley.] Friendship's 
humble offering. 
[Mrs. Featherley and Mrs. De Boots go up conversing into conservatory, e. 

Major [Suppressing laughter.] I say — ha, ha, ha ! Featherley — ha, ha, 
ha ! are you aware you kissed my wife ? 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 15 

teath Well, my dear fellow, I hope I have given no offense either 
to you or Mrs. De Boots. 

Major Me ! not in the least. I'm not afraid of you— you're an old 
friend— but ecod ! I wonder she bore it so quietly — / dare not take 
such a liberty with her. 

.Feath No ! ha, ha, lia! Is she so very particular? 

Maj(yr Particular ! she's a perfect porcupine of female propriety. 
You should see how she bristles up when I overstep the bounds of 
delicate decorum. 

Feath Ha, ha, ha! But you don't submit to it? 

Major I do. It's inconvenient, certainly ; but then, my Aurelia is 
a woman of such refined delicacy, such elevated sentiment, such a — 

Feath Yes, I know. 

Major Quite superior to me. She tells me that I can't comprehend 
her aspirations, because I'm not a homo,2;eneous particle. But she's 
an exalted woman ! In fact, I don't mind telling you as a friend — 
I suspect she looks down upon me. 

Feath How? Mentally or physically? 

Major Both, both, and I'm proud of it. I'm proud of being the 
husband of a woman who can look down upon me. 

Feath Well, that's a matter of taste, but I should have fancied that 
you — a soldier — 

Major In the militia — 

Feath Even in the militia— I thought you would have asserted the 
dignity of a husband, and have maintained it, like a brave man. 

Major My dear Felix— I call you Felix, because I believe you're 
my best friend — I'll confide a secret to you. I'm not a brave man. 

Feath Pooh ! nonsense ! Everybody knows that beneath that 
braided breast of yours, beats the heart of a lion. 

Major Everybody's deceived, as everybody generally is ; it's not 
the heart of a lion, but of a mouse— the meekest of mice. I confess 
to you, I'm an impostor — a humbug — a swindle ; but the fault's not 
mine— nature and my godfathers and godmothers are alone to blame. 
Nature bestowed on me a warlike pair of whiskers, and my godfa- 
thers and godmothers gave me the name of Wellington. I couldn't 
help it— and so I have been obliged to support the courageous char- 
acter attached to the name, with the smallest amount of pluck that 
ever fell to the lot of mortal man. 

Fecdh Ha, ha, ha ! Rather a difficult task. Major. But how have 
you managed to gain a reputation for bravery ? 

Major By bounce — by tremendous bounce— you have no idea how 
bounce carries a man through the world. 

Feaih And your wife, does she believe in your lion courage ? 

Major Oh no— ha, ha ! — she knows me. Bounce won't do with her 
—and she snubs me accordingly. 

Re-enter Mrs. Featherley and Mrs. De Boots /row the conservatory at the 
same time. 

Enter Teap c. , and gives Mrs. Featherley a carJ— Mrs. De Boots 
comes doivn, R. 



16 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

But then she's such a superior woman. Hem ! 

Mrs De B [In a sentimental lane, dovm r.] Felix — pardon the familiar- 
ity of former times — I should say, Mr. Featherley — how very odd, 
but when I gathered this blushing rose just now — ha, ha! — it 
brought to mind a sweet sentiment — you may remember — 

Feath Oh, yes, I recollect it perfectly ! 

Major He never forgets anything. 

Mrs De B Major ! 

Major Present ! 

Mrs F [Down e.] Will you excuse me, Mrs. De Boots ? our law- 
yer, whom I must see on particular business, has called. Pray don't 
leave till I return — I have a thousand apologies to make. 

Mrs De B Don't mention it, dear Eugenia. 

[Featherley ^06s to door, c, wUh Mrs. Featherley, 

Major We're in no hurry this morning. 

Mrs De B [Apart to Major.] I must have left my handkerchief in 
the brougham, or dropped it on the stairs. Go and seek for it, major. 

Major Certainly, my love. On the stairs — in the brougham ? 

Mrs De B Ot somewhere. 

Major Or somewhere — I'll be sure to find it if it's somewhere ! 

[Exit, c. 
Mr. and Mrs. Featherley have been conversing apart at the door, c. Mrs. 

Featherley now exits r. and Featherley comes down on her l. Mrs. 

De Boots has seated herself in a pensive attitude l. of table, b,. 

Feath My dear madam. 

Mrs De B [Affects to start.] Ah, Felix! Excuse my abstraction — 
Mr, Featherley— but fond memory will bring back the feeling, which 
propriety forbids, in present positions — you're married — and I hope 
happy. 

Feath I have every reason to be so ; and you, I trust, have found 
happiness in the man you have selected. 

3frs De B [Sighs.] Ah 1 don't probe that wound too deeply. De 
Boots loves me, but our souls don't assimilate — he's not a homo- 
geneous particle — 

Feath But he's a capital little fellow, and so good-tempered. 

Mrs De B Yes, he's tractable enough, but [Confidentially] so dread- 
fully jealous ! 

Feath Jealous ! Impossible ! 

Mrs De B Ah, you might not think it ; but he's a white Othello — 
a perfect demon when his suspicions are aroused. 

Feath But your character, my dear madam, is irreproachable — 
calumny itself never dared to utter a word in disparagement of 
virtue so impregnable. 

3Irs De B [Looking round in alarm.] For heaven's sake don't speak 
so loud. Hah I you don't know the unsuspected thorn that rankles 
in my bosom — the hidden sorrow that consumes me. 

Feath [Aside.] She don't seem to waste much by consumption. 

Mrs De B You cannot guess the secret, the terrible secret which I 
am now going to confide to you. 

Feath To me, madam I to me ! The confidence is highly flattering 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 17 

— ^but excuse the suggestion, would not the Major, your husband, bo 
the proper depository for it ? 

Mrs JDe B He ! Oh— no — no ! You— i/om— Felix — pardon my for- 
getfulness, Mr. Featherley — you are my friend— you are everybody's 
friend ! 

Feath So I am, hnt— [Aside.] What dreadful revelation is she about 
making ? 

3Irs Be B Listen to my agonizing recital. [Sits, r, c. 

[Featherley runs to the door to see that no one is listening^ then returns and 

sits beside her. 

Feath [l.] Now, my dear madam, I am ready for your harrowing 
history. 

iMrs De B [Bicfhs.'] I was young, innocent, and confiding, when I 
first met the most elegant and falsest of men at Rarasgate— 

Feath At Ramsgate ! [Aside?^ Hum ! I'm glad it wasn't at Scar- 
borough ! 

Mrs De B Under the aristocratic title of Count Videpoche — he 
sought to win my affections. 

Feaih Miscreant ! 

Mrs De B That, however, I could have forgiven — 

Feath Certainly— certainly — and so could I ! 

Mrs De B He sang the newest opera airs to me, and in the evening 
we walked together. 

Feath By moonlight ? 

Mrs De B By the softest of moonlight. 

Feath On the sands ? 

Mrs De B On the smooth silver sands. 

Feath [Aside.'] Ah, the old story ! 

Mrs De B He vowed in the tenderest broken English to love me. 

Feath And, as usual, his vows were as broken as his English. The 
scoundrel deserted you ? 

Mrs De B "Worse, far worse, he married me. My little fortune J, 
placed in his hands, and we went to Paris, where, soon after — pardon 
this emotion — the Count was arrested, one morning, at breakfast, 
on a charge of — how shall I utter the dreadful word— on a charge of 
swindling. 

Feath Dear me ! A little eccentricity of the Count's, to which the 
prej udices of society are rather opposed. 

Mrs De B He wasn't even a count— he was nothing better than an 
ex-waiter at a cafe'. At all events, he was tried, found guilty, and 
sent to the galleys for twenty years ; but he broke his noble heart, 
and died before twelve months were over, [Sobbing] leaving me with 
a sweet little cherub — 

Feath Oh, oh ! a limited liability in long clothes— 

Mrs De B My angel Adolphe ! ' I returned with him to England 
without delay ; and, in order to avoid impertinent observations, I 
resumed my maiden name, put my sweet babe privately to nurse, 
and stifled the feelings of a mother. 

Feath [Aside.] The romantic Aurelia a mother ! But what did Be 
Boots say to this ? 



18 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Mrs De B Oh, he knows nothing about it. Men are such strange 
creatures, they object to these family incumbrances— ana De Boots 
has no enlarged sympathies. Up to the present moment I have con- 
trived to keep the secret from him; but now I'm in a dreadful 
dilemma, for the woman with whom I placed my darling Adolphc, 
in the country, is dead, and they're about sending the child home 
to me. 

Feiih Hem ! that's decidedly awkward. 

Mrs De B Distressingly go — but I have confidence in your friend- 
ship, Felix— pardon inadvertent liberty — Mr. Featherly — you can 
confer an eternal obligation on me by assisting me out of this em- 
barrassing difficulty. 

Fexth Me, my dear madam ? \_Aside.'] She means to throw tlie little 
cherub on my hands. Well — a — the — the matter, as you observe, is 
embarrassing, and inexperienced as I am in infantine arrangements, 
what can I possibly do with your angel ? 

Mrs De B You may procure a protector for him — one who would 
cherish my sweet blossom. 

Mijor [Is heard speaking without, c] It's very e:xtraordinary, very 
extraordinary , indeed. 

Mrs De B [Alarmed.'] There's my husband ! 

Feath Your husband ! [Reflecting a moment.'] You shall have a pro- 
tector for your Adolphe— I pi'omise it, and it shall be done — I have 
the guardian of unprotected innocence in my eye. Step into the 
conservatory for a few minutes Stop, one moment — how.old is the 
cherub ? 

3Irs De B Four years next month. 

Feaih That will do. 
[Mlis. De Boots exits hastily into conservatory, and Featherley seats him- 
self at table, R. , in a desponding attitude. De Boots looks in at door. 

Major [At door.] I can't find the handkerchief anywhere. Ah ! 

Enter De Boots, c. 
She's not here. [Doivn l. 

Feath [Soliloquizing] Oh that I had but one friend in the world — 
one kind disinterested friend— one noble-hearted friend, to whom I 
could turn and &xy-— [Turns towards De Boots.] De Boots is the man. 
[Starting up and shaking De Boots' hand zoarmly.] You'll be the protec- 
tor of innocence — won't you, my dear fellow ? — say you will. 

iMajor Will— of course ! But you seem excited — sit down and tell 
me calmly what I can do for you. 

Feath G-enerous man ! Incomparable De Boots ! You consent, then, 
to receive the sacred trust ? 

Major What sacred trust ? explain yourself. 

Feath [r.] I will. My story is brief, but pathetic. Sit down. 
[T/iey sit.] In early life I loved an angelic being who shall be name- 
less—I was loved in return, but a haughty parent's will forbade our 
union. We fled together one dark night. 

3fajor [l.] Oh ! where did you fly to ? 

Feath To an undiscovered island in the Pacific Ocean. There wc 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 19 

pledged our hearts on nature's eternal altar, and there, like Juan 
and Haidee, we lived for three years in a stalactite cavern by the sea- 
shore on perrivvinkles. Ah I you cannot imagine the happiness of 
perrivvinkles and freedom. 

3Iajor No, but I've an historical recollection of Wilkes and Liberty. 

Fealh Happiness, my dear friend, is transitory. My beloved Ori- 
ana caught the whooping cough and died— and I returned broken- 
hearted to my native land, with one sweet blossom of our love — a 
beautiful boy. 

3Iajor Good gracious ! your little tale becomes deeply interesting. 

Feath I concealed his existence from the whole world— [if^/siimousZr/.] 
especially from my wife — she is — 

Major [Mysteriously.'] Yes, I know — they all are. 

Feath Circumstances which I need not explan, now oblige me to 
resign the child to some dear friend who will preserve my secret, 
and be a father to the boy. You're the man for the solemn trust. 

Major Me, a father ! Oh, impossible— quite impossible. 

Feath Nothing is impossible to friendship — and in the delicate po- 
sition in which I am placed — 

Major [Starting up.'] What is your delicate position to mine ? — don't 
ask me — I wish I could oblige you, but I can't. 

[ Walking to and fro, followed hy Featherley — finish, L. 

Feath My dear major — 

Major I tell you I can't. 

Feath A charming little prattler. 

Major I hate piattlers. I never let one of them come near me — • 
I've a natui-al antipathy to them. 

Feath But you'll learn to love this sweet cherub, as if it were your 
own. 

Major I'd strangle, or drown the cherub in the waterbutt, before 
a week. 

Feath No you wouldn't. 

Major I tell you I would. 

Feath I know the tenderness of your heart too well to believe you. 
You'll take the child. 

Major Zounds, sir, do you think I'm to be bullied into doing what 
I've an objection to? I have already expressed my determination in 
decided terms, and now I emphatically say— damme, sir — keep your 
child yourself. [Crosses to r, 

Feath Gently, gently, major— keep your temper — I can be as de- 
cided as you, and I have made up my mind that you shall receive 
the child. 

Major Eo, you have ! Perhaps you take me for a foundling 
hospital ? 

Feath No ; but as, in a moment of unguarded friendship, I made 
you the depository of a secret which I have confided to no other 
person, you cannot shrinl^ from the responsibility of the attitude 
you have assumed. 

3Iajor What do you call an attitude ? I never assumed an attitude 
in my life — and I don't want any responsibility. 



20 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Feath Major De Boots, I find I have been the victim of misplaced 
confidence— you have betrayed my friendship, sir, and I shall expect 
satisfaction from you. 

Major Satisfaction ! Ho, ho ! my dear Featherley, why will you 
talk in that savage and blood-thirsty strain ? Between friends— for 
you are my friend — I really wish I could oblige you. [Grasps his hand.] 
But there's Mrs. De Boots to be consulted — what would that superior 
woman say to me if I was to introduce a miscellaneous little stranger 
from the Pacific Ocean to our domestic hearth ? • 

Feath I'll answer for her ; she'll make no objection — consult her— 
confide my secret to her, and let her decide — she's in the conserv.i- 
tory — go to her this moment— go. 

Major Very well ; but mind, she'll never consent — I know she 
won't — a -woman of her severe principles. 

[He goes into the comervatory and joins Mrs. De Boots, with whom he ap- 
pears to enter into earnest conversation. 

Feath So, I fancy I have managed that matter to the satisfaction 
of all parties. 

Enter Mrs. Featherley, b.. d., she is in plain walking dress, and wears a 
rather unfashionable honiiet — she has a bundle of law papers in her hand. 

Mrs F My dear Felix, your solicitor tells me it is necessary that 
you should examine these papers immediately — when you have done 
BO, I am ready to accompany you to the flower show. 

Feath [Aside.] Hem ! that's awkward — for I have Icebrook's affair 
to attend to. [Looking at Mrs. Featherley' s bonnet.] Good heavens ! 
Eugenia, you don't imagine I could compromise myself with such a 
bonnet at Chiswick ? 

iMrs F What is wrong with it ? 

Feath Why, my dear, it positively belongs to the antediluvian 
animals — to a race of bonnets before the flood. [Aside.] That's a 
good come off. 

Mrs F Yet it is the very bonnet in which you once said you 
admired my face so much. 

Feath So I might— but taste changes, and the prettiest bonnets go 
out of fashion, [Aside] like the prettiest faces. 

Enter from the conservatory, Major and Mrs. De Boots. 

Mrs De B Well, now, we really must go— we only waited to say 
good bye. 

Major [Aside.] I'm perfectly confounded ! 

3Irs De B 1 haven' t mentioned to you that we have removed to 
Bayswater, where I hope my Eugenia will sometimes fly, to cheer 
her friend's solitude : — just now we are being painted and papered ; 
but I'll drop you a note, dear, as soon as we get settled. 

Major [Aside.] It's something I can't comprehend. 

Mrs F Don't forget, then. Stay, you must take a few flowers 
with you. 
[Mrs. Featherlby and Mrs. De Boots go to a console tahU, b. — Mrs, 

Featherley selects some flowers from a vase on table and gives them to 

Mrs. De Boots. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 21 

Mrs Be B Thanks, dear— flowers are my passion. 

While the Two Ladies are at the table, FEATnERLEY enters, L. — he has a note 
in his hand, which he hastily puts in his pocket — Major beckons him. 
Major [Aside to Featherley.] It's done — Aurelia has consented. 
Feaih [Aside to Major.] I knew she would. 

Major [Aside to Featherley.] So far from raising any objection, 
she seemed delighted at the proposal. 

Feath [Aside to Major.] Quite natural, and only what I expected. 
The fact is, my dear De Boots, if you only touch a woman's sympa- 
thies, you can do anything with her. 

Major [Aside to Featherley.] I could never touch my Aurelia' s 
sympathies. 

[Mrs. Featherley and Mrs. De Boots make their adieux. 
Mrs Be B Come, Major. Mr. Featherley, [significantly] our visit 
has been most delightful . 

Enter Trap, c. 
Trap Your horse is at the door, sir. 

Feath Very well. [To Mrs. Featherley.] Put the papers aside 
till to-morrow, or the next day. I really cannot give my mind to 
business to-day — my hat and gloves, Trap — or can't you look over 
them yourself, my dear ? my whip —you have such a clear head for 
business — I trust everything to your discretion and judgment. 

[Tr^p gives Featherley his hat, gloves, and whip, and exits o. 
Mrs F [Reproachfully.'] You are going, then ? 
Feaih Can' t possibly avoid it, dear. You know how irksome it is 
to me to be engaged in other people's affairs, but a man cannot live 
in this world without making sacrifices. 

Mrs F [Aside.] For everybody but the one who would sacrifice all 
to him. 

Feath [Kisses her cheek carelessly.] Good bye, love — don't wait dinner 
for me — so sorry to leave you — but you don't mind being alone. 

[Exit with Major and Mrs. De Boots, c. 
^Mrs F [Apart, sadly.] Alone — 'tis the wife's fate. 
[The papers drop from her hand, and she hides her face in her handk^chief, as 
• Featherley, Major, and Mrs. De Boots exeunt, c. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — An apartment handsomely furnished on the ground floor of Mrs. 
Swandown's house, at Maida Hill. Boor of entrance, l. 2. e. — Boor 
leading to interior of house, r. 2 e.. At back, large French windows, 
opening on a verandah and garden — a number of birds and pet animals in 
the room and outside under the verandah. 

Fanny, Mrs. Swandown's maid, discovered feedit^ and tending the pets under 
the verandah. 

Enter FannYj c. 
jRznny There — there, I've done with them— the cats, the dogs, aft4. 



22 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

the birds, are all fed. I do really wonder how my mistress can be so 

fond of pets! [At the parrot' s cage.] There's a nice biscuit for you, 
Polly. If Mrs. Swandown was an \ig\y, frumpish old maid, it 
wouldn't be surprising — but to see a woman young enoygh, and rich 
enough to have her pick out ot a dozen of good-looking young fel- 
lows, hugging a poodle— agh ! it's dreadful ! — that's what it is. I 
wish there was a law against a woman kissing any brute, except one 
on two legs. [Looking off at back.] Bless me. what's that in the gar- 
den? I declare, it's that funny looking little military gentleman, 
who has come to live in missus's house, next door. [Major De Boots 
appears in the garden.] He must have crossed the fence between the 
gardens. 

Enter Major De Boots, r. c, down l. 

Major Hem ! Ha, young woman ! is your mistress, Mrs. Swan- 
down, at home ? 

Fanny I believe so, sir. 

Major Pray inform her the gentleman next door. Major "Wellington 
De Boots, has done himself the honor to call upon her, on a matter 
of business. 

Fanny I'll tell her, sir. 

Major Don't forget— if/7;'or Wellington De Boots ! [Exit Fanny, r. 
It's remarkable, although I have been Mrs. Swandown's tenant for 
three weeks, I have never seen her yet— I tried repeatedly to obtain 
admission at the front door, but I have been invariably repulsed on 
the door mat. At last, by a bold military manoeuvre, and a rapid 
flank movement, I've taken the enemy in the rear. I dare say she's 
a vulgar purse-proud commodity, the relict of some respectabie soap 
boiling or dry salting firm in the city. 

Enter Mrs. Swandown and Fanny, r. 

Fanny My Mistress, sir ! [Mrs. Swandown curtsies. Fanjjy exits, l. d. 

Major [Bows tdth extravagant politeness.] Mrs. Swandown, pardon the 
liberty I have taken, in overstepping the absurdly low fence which 
the rights of property have raised between our respective gardens.. 
[Aside] She's a remarkably fine woman ! 

Mrs S Major De Boots, I believe— 

3fajor Major Wellington De Boots, madam, your new tenant, and 
semi-detached neighbor. 

3Irs S I trust, Major, you have no reaeion to regret our relations ? 
To me they are in every respect agreeable. 

3Iajor And perfectly so to me, Mrs. Swandown. [Aside.] Upon my 
word she's a very charming sort of woman. [Aloud.] It isn't often 
that fortune favors a tenant with a lady — I should say, a landlady, 
so prepossessing in appearance, so amiable in manners, so attractive 
in — 

Mrs S Pardon me, major, I understood you had business with me. 

Major Oh, yes— business, certainly, but— ha, ha, ha! 'ponmylife, 
Mrs. Swandown, the pleap-ure of conversing with you puts business 
comple'*-«j\y out o^ my head. I wished to speak to you about a few 
repairs Y/hich my house requires. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 23 

Mm S In that case I must refer you to my agent, to whom I leave 
these matters entirely. 

Major [Aside.] I'm not going to abandon my position so easily. 
Hem! hem! [To her.] But there are occasions, my dear madam, 
when it may be more agreeable to the principals to come to a person- 
al understanding— mutual confidence, you know. 

Mrs. S [Laughing.] Well, major, although I shall always be happy 
to merit your confidence — I don't see how I can make you a suitable 
return. 

Major My dear madam, don't mention return — nothing could be 
more disagreeable, for I was about to observe that every chimney in 
our house smokes. 

3£rs S I'm really very sorry — it must be exceedingly unpleasant 
— some chimneys do smoke when the wind is in a particular point. 

Major So I'm told, but my chimneys make a particular point of 
smoking all around the points of the compass. Look at me, Mrs. 
Swandown ; my nearest friends are beginning to doubt my identity 
— I'm rapidly assuming the appearance of a Yarmouth bloater, or 
a London sparrow: — as Hamlet says, "To this complexion have I 
come." 

Mrs S I'm truly concex-ned — only say what you will have done ? 

Major Well — a— I should think as the chimneys will only draw 
the wrong way, if they were turned upside down, it might effect a 
cure. 

3Irs S [Laughing.] All I can say is, that I will endeavor to have 
the cause of complaint removed without delay. I regret exceedingly 
I should have been the unconscious means of injuring your com- 
plexion. 

3Iajor Oh, never mind, brown is a soldierly color, and it's pleas- 
ant to know that a man may, if he pleases, convert himself into a 
statue of bronze, by his own fireside. 

Mrs S But bronze is a metal, major, that you will never be at loss 
for. 

Major Oh, no, never ! Ha, ha thank you ! [Aside.] She's really 
very complimentary ! [Aloud.] I don't think I've anything else to 
observe— so I wish you good morning, Mrs. Swandown. 

3Irs S Good morning, major. [Aside.] What an odd little man I 

Major [Aside, and going] She's* remaricably engaging ! [Going, re- 
turns.] By the bye, Mrs. Swandown, I forgot to mention, that all 
the locks in the house are out of order, and not one of the bolts will 
shoot. 

3Irs S We must have the bolts put in a state of military efficiency, 
major. 

3Jajor I'm very much obliged. Good morning, Mrs. Swandown. 
[Going, stops.] I beg your pardon, there's another little matter has 
just struck me; the boiler in the back kitchen has a hole burnt 
through it. 

Mrs S I will give directions for a new boiler, if that will satisfy 
you. 

3Iajor Oh, perfectly— perfectly. Good morning, Mrs. Swandown. 



24 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

[Aside, going.'] She can refuse me nothing. [Stops, returns.] Ah, I had 
nearly forgotten — [About to sit.] the paper for the drawing room — 
we must talk about the paper. 

Mrs S My dear sir, pray take a carte blanche for the paper, and let 
me hear no more about it. 

3Iajor Nothing can be more satisfactory. I can think of nothing 
else at present. I wish you good morning, Mrs. Swandown. Ha, 
ha ! [Going— returns.] I'll come in again by and bye. Good morning ! 

[Uxit through garden gate, C. to L. 

Mrs S I thought I never should have got rid of him. 

Unter Fanny, l. d., announcing. 

Fanny Mrs. Featherley, ma'am. 

Enter Mrs. Featherley, l. — Mrs. Swandown runs to embrace ana 
welcome her. 

Mrs S My dear Eugenia, thanks for this early visit. 

Mrs F I was so vexed at not being at home when you called yes- 
terday — it's so long since we met, and yet it seems only the other 
day that we were eating thick bread and butter, and going to bed at 
nine o'clock, at Mrs.* Twittenham's school. 

Mrs 8 I hope now you've come to spend a long day with me — we 
shall have such a delightful chat about old times— but where is your 
husband? I'm dying to see him. Why did you not bring him with 
you? 

Mrs F Oh, he was engaged — he generally is engaged. 

Mrs S Come, sit down. [They sit.] Tell me, what is he like — is he 
good-looking, kind, affectionate, domestic? does be, in short, re- 
semble the fancy portrait you used to draw of the man whom you 
would select as your partner for life ? I remember how you painted 
this imaginary paragon of yours — youthful as love — handsome as 
Adonis — brave as a lion — gay as a summer bird — witty, without 
malice — and learned, without display : kind and affable to all, 
but tender, loving, and constant only to you. 

Mrs. F [Sighs.] Ah, that was a school girl's ideal ; reality paints 
with very different colors. 

Mrs S Ah, then you have discovered the delusion we practice on 
ourselves, and find that the idol you fancied was pure gold, has 
proven to be an image of common clay. 

3Irs F 'Tis too true. We have only been married twelve months, 
and already my husband treats me with a coldness that his politeness 
cannot conceal. 

Mrs S Impossible, my dear Eugenia — impossible ! If he ever loved 
you. 

Mrs F He did love me — oh, most devotedly ! 

Mrs S And how have you let his heart escape ? 

Mrs F I know not — I am sure, to please him, I have neglected the 
world — his interests have engrossed all my thoughts ; the hours 
which a woman of ray age usually spends at her toilette, I have 
given to regulating lys household. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 25 

Mrs S Hem ! Interests— household— go ou, my dear. 

Mrs F No wife ever attended more closely to her domestic duties : 
to devote myself to them I have given up my music, drawing and 
accomplishments : as for my economy, I have carried it even to my 
own dress, which you see is of the plainest description. 

Mrs S Plain, indeed— and men, unfortunately, are too apt to con- 
fouaid a woman with her dress. [They rise.'] Mr. Featherley is doubt- 
less a man of taste. 

Mrs F Exquisite. And you think, then — 

Mrs S I think you have neglected the very means by which you 
could have retained his affections. Instead of worrying him by 
details of housekeeping and monotonous lectures on domestic 
economy, you should endeavor to charm him as you used to do, by 
your wit, your gaiety, and your accomplishments— sing to him, play 
to him, dance to him if he will ; fascinate him by your graces,- even 
pique him by your coquetry, for these are the cages in which we 
keep men's hearts our prisoners. 

3Irs F How, Julia ! do you recommend me to employ such frivo- 
lous arts with a sensible man ? 

3frs S Ah, my dear, the most sensible men are fools where our 
sex is concerned. As to those arts you call frivolous, they are the 
only weapons nature has given us ; and if we employ them to gain a 
victory, why should we neglect them to secure a conquest ? 

3frs F Perhaps you're right, but is a wife's truth, her affection, 
her virtue, to go for nothing ? 

Mrs S Oh, no, they will always command the respect and esteem 
of a husband ; but if you want to fix his love, you must employ a 
little artifice, a little delicate management. Be yourself the center 
of those pleasures which attract him ; surround yourself with all 
that he admires, all that can please him, and never neglect those 
accomplishments which first charmed him in you. 

Mrs F And then ? 

3Irs S Then, my dear, the neglected wife will become the en- 
throned mistress of his heart. 

3Irs F But if Featherley, as I dread, has formed an attachment 
elsewhere ? 

3Irs S Ah, that would be serious : still I see' no occasion to despair 
of bringing back the wanderer. I will lay my life that your rival, if 
you have one, cannot boast the graces of mind and person which you 
possess, but want confidence to use. 

Mrs F I confess, tliis is to me a new chapter in the matrimonial 
code. And you, Julia, who have studied so deeply the science of 
conquering the hearts of others, how have you defended your own ? 

3Irs 8 Well— ha, ha, ha, ha ! if I have a heart which I don't po- 
sitivel}'- assert — I fear it is gone wliere I shall never be able to re- 
cover it. 

3frs F Oh, that would be dreadful. You cannot surely mean to 
devote the remainder of your life to cats, dogs, and parrots. 

3Irs S Heigho ! I fear that will be my fate. They, at least, return 
the affection I bestow upon them ; but the only man whom I could 



26 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

like or love is so — so — oh, I have no patience with him — he's so in- 
sensible, or so cold, that I can make no impression on him. 

3frs F Some men are slow to warm — give him a little time, Julia. 

Mrs S Time ! why if he had been a man of brass, he has had time, 
not only to warm, but to melt ; and I know I never spared the 
fuel. But though I've given him every modest encouragement to 
speak, the wretch remains provokingly dumb. 

l^Knock at the hall door, outside, L. 

Mrs F Visitors ! you must allow me to leave you— I am not in 
spirits to meet strangers. 

Mrs S You shall not think of going — I have a thousand things to 
say to you still. 

Fnter Fanny, l., doivn to Mrs. Swandown, r., she gives her a card. 

IReads card.] " Mr. David Bangle." Bangle ! I have no recollection 
of the name ! However, show the gentleman in, Fanny. [Exit 
Fanny, l.] And you, dear, step into my boudoir, until I have dis- 
missed my visitor. [She opens the door of boudoir, r.] He shall not 
remain long. 

3Irs F oil, never mind. I can amuse myself with your books and 
portfolios. [Exit into boudoir, r. 



Enter Featherley r., carrying an open basket in which is an Angola cat, 
covered with a silk handkerchief. 

Mrs S Mr. Bangle ! [Looking at his card. 

Feath Bangle — David Bangle, madam — from the Coast of Africa. 
You have never been to the Coast of Africa. I can assure you it's a 
delightful climate — not much warmer than the opera house in dog 
days— population dark, but intelligent — the perfection to which the 
natives have arrived in the art of cooking missionaries is proof of a 
high state of civilization. 

3Irs S I have no doubt of it, sir, but really — 

Feath I know what you're going to pay — you don't perceive what 
the sanitary and social condition of Africa has to do with my ap- 
pearance here to-day — that's coming. Africa is celebrated, as Pin- 
nock and other popular authors inform us, for the production of gold 
dust, elephant's teeth, Ethiopian minstrels, and Angola cats. 

3frsS Well, sir! 

Feath One of the last named beautiful animals I have brought 
here for your inspection. [Puts basket on table, takes off the handkerchief 
which covers the basket, and exhibits the cat lying on a silk cushion.] There, 
madam ! 

3Irs S [Delightedly.] Oh, the lovely creature ! 

Feath I knew you would be charmed with it, madam. Observe the 
elegance of its shape, the softness of its fur, and the gentleness of 
its manners. 

Mrs 8 It is a beauty. What is the price of it, Mr. Bangle ? 

Feath Price, madam ! Good heavens, madam— do you think any 
money could purchase such a treasure ? [Aside.] I paid five guineas 
for it. No, madam, no— the creature is not for sale ; deign to accept 
it as the humble offering of one who respects and admires you. 



EVEKYBODY'S FRIEND. 27 

Mrs S Oh, Mr. Bangle ! [Looks at the eat.] The sweet beauty ! 
[Aside.] Tliis cannot be a dealer in animals — as I fancied ; some un- 
known admirer of mine, I'll wager, who has hit on this ingenious 
expedient to introduce himself to me. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! let us see 
v;liat he is like. [Returning toe] I scarcely know, Mr. Bangle, that 
I should accept this valuable present — it would be a robbery. 

Fertth A trifle, madam— a mere trifle— nothing to the robberies you 
dailv commit 

Mrs S iio')beries! 

Feilh Call them by the milder term of petty larcenies— larcenies 
of hearts, madam -hearts most precious to their unhappy owners, but 
on which you set no value. You steal them for sport, as boys do 
birds' eggs, to display as trophies of your cruel pastime. 

Mi-s S Grood heavens, Mr. Bangle — what a monster you would 
make of me ! Do you imagine 1 hang the hearts of martyred lovers 
round my neck amongst my trinkets and charms ? 

Ferjih To hang so near your charms, madam, would make all men 
wish to be martyrs. 

Mrs S [Aside-] A pretty compliment. Ah, if Frank Icebrook had 
spoken it. 

Feath [Aside.] She begins to soften. 

Mrs S I think, Mr. Bangle, this interview has lasted long enough 
— I have a friend waiting for me. [Going r. 

Feath One moment, Mrs. Swandown. [Aside.] I must strike the 
blow now. 

Mrs. Featheeley appears at door r., she starts on seeing her husband, clings 
to the door for support, and remains an unohse^-ved witness of what passes. 

Feath The secret that consumes a fond heart must be disclosed. 

Mrs S Another martyr. [Laughing aside. 

Feath Despise not the adoration of one who never loved woman 
but you, whose hopes of happiness hang upon your lips, whose life 
is in your hands. [Drops on one knee and rummages his pockets — Mrs. 
Featheeley, covering her face tvith her hands, retires into boudoir, e. 
Featheb.i,ey pulls a letter out of his pockets.] I repeat, in your hands ; 
and who implores you to cast your eye over these few verses — [Gives 
her the letter]— ilnQ last, perhaps, that ever his trembling hand will 
trace. [A slight scream heard in the boudoir. 

Mrs S What was that ? 

Enter Fanny, hastily, from the boudoir, r. 

Fanny Oh, madam, madam, the lady has fainted. 

Feath [Jumping up.] Fainted! Lady! what lady? where is she? 
Allow me to offer my services as a friend. 

BIrs S You must excuse me, my maid and I can render her any 
assistance she requires. 

Feath Oh, I don't wish to intrude, but as I once had an idea of 
studying medicine, I thought that in a case of emergency I might be 
permitted as a professional friend. 

[Mrs. Swandown goes into boudoir. 



28 EVERYBODY'S FEIEND. 

Feath [To Fanny, who is following.] I say — hum ! who is she — the 
fainting lady— is she young — pretty, eh ? what's her name ? 

Fa7iny Don't know ! [^Exit into boudoir r. a7id closes the door. 

Feath Well, now, that's devilish provoking — ^just as I was making 
such irresistible love for my triend^or myself — for in the ardor of 
my passion — I mean of his passion, I was not particular — to be in- 
terrupted at such a juncture — who the deuce can this fainting lady bo ! 
[lie runs to the door and tries to peep through the keyhole.'] It's impossible 
to get a glimpse of her. [Major De Boots is seen coming through the 
garden from R.] This is downright ingratitude— it's not treating me 
like a friend. 

Enter De Boots through door at back — he carries several rolls of room paper 
under his arm. 

Major [Coming doivn.] My dear Mrs. Swandown, here I am again. 

Featherley turns suddenly, and they recognize each other with an exclamation 

of surprise. 

Major I Ha, Mr. Featherley ! 

Feath \ Ha, Major ! 

Major What are you doing here? 1 didn't know you were ac- 
quainted with Mrs. Swandown. 

Feath Not know it ! ha, ha ! very extraordinary — very ! Have I 
never mentioned to you that I'm her particular friend ? 

Major Never ! 

Feath Well, that is singular. But, my dear Major, I must inform 
you, in strict confidence, I'm hei'e on a diplomatic mission. 

3fajor A diplomatic mission ! 

Feath Of a very delicate nature— purely an act of friendship. 
You'll not be offended if I ask you not to know me ? Let us be per- 
fect strangers. 

3Iajor [Shaking his hand.] With the greatest pleasure, my dear 
fellow ; what's the use of a friend if you can't make a stranger of 
him? 

Feath But you seem to be quite at home here — on a pleasant, 
familiar footing, eh ? 

Major Oh, ah, yes ! en famille, en famille, as we say. I'm Mrs. 
Swandown' s tenant and semi-detached neighbor. Eemarkably fine 
woman, she is — eh ? 

Feath Charming— charming ! Every glance of her joy-giving eye 
shoots directly to your heart. Then her voice— did you ever hear 
anything so deliciously musical ? 

Major A speaking nightingale ! 

Feath And her figure— there's a matchless form, in which the gently 
undulating graces of the Medecean Venus seem to blend and melt 
into the richly rounded outlines of the — 

Major Stop 1 don't — it's too much. D'ye know I ventured to pay 
her one or two compliments, and she actually smiled on me — evi- 
dently struck by my martial bearing— hey ? "'None but the brave 
deserve the fair." 

Feath Hallo ! Major, I'll tell your wife. 



EVEKYBODY'S FRIEND. 29 

ilajor Hey, ycu won't do that— d n. it, no— if I admire Mrs. 

Swandovvn, it's purely ia a military capacity — the professional gal- 
lantry of a soldier. 

Feath Hush ! she is here ! 

Featherley turns up the stage as Mrs. Swandown enters from boudoir, r 

Jlrs S [Aside.] Poor dear Eugenia, I pity her from my soul ! to 
think that chance should have brought her here to di.-.cover her hus- 
band in the soi disard Mr. Bangle. We are both insulted, and if we do 
not punish him as he deserves — [Sees De Boots.] Oh, that tormenting 
little tenant of mine again ! 

31ajor Mrs. Svvandovvn — hem — I have brought some pieces of room 
paper for you to select a pattern. [Rolls out one of the pieces.] There, 
what is your opinion of that ? 

3frs S Really, Major, I am the worst judge. 

3Iajor Don't say so. You have an exquisite taste and a fine eye — 
hem— for color. [Unrolls some of the pieces of pajjer.] There! how d'ye 
like that nice all-over pattern ? 

Jfrs 3 Vulgar ! 

Major Well, I quite agree with you. [Unrolls another piece.] Ha! 
there's a beautiful design— red, and blue stripe— fine bold pattern — 
nice for trowsers or a tuck-up skirt. 

Mrs S Horrid ! 

Major I think it's dreadful, [Unrolls another piece.] Now, that's 
not so bad. 

3Irs S [Douhtingly.] M — m— m, I don't much care for it ! 

3Iajor Neither do I— ha ! [Unrolls another piece.] Ah, you won't 
fancy that. 

3Irs S Well, I decidedly do. I particularly admire dove color. 

3Iajor It's very extraordinary, I have always had a particular par- 
tiality for- dove color. How wonderfully our tastes agree. [Aside.] 
Dove rhymes with love. Good gracious ! if she should— the idea 
is tremendous. [Goes vp stage ivith paper. 

Feath [Coming down and speaking half aside to Mrs. Swandown.] Mrs. 
Svvandovvn, I wish you good morning. [In an undertone.] Is there 
any hope ? 

3Irs S [JIgsieriouslg.] Hush — don't go. 

Feath I— I really fear I must. [Looking at his tcatch.] An engagement 
that cannot be postponed, and — [Looks uneasily at Major. 

3Ls S [Apart to him.] I am absolute here, Mr. Bangle, and I com- 
mand you to remain. [He boivs and retires up. 

3Iajor [Coming down and taking her apart.] There's another matter, 
Mrs. Swandown, I wish to mention to you. One of our chimneys 
is in the most dangerous state — a deflexion of ten degrees from the 
perpendicular. Fancy my feelings, going to bed at night with the 
idea of finding myself buried under a stack of chimneys in the 
morning— just come into the garden and look at it. 

3f7-s S I have perfect confidence in your report, major. 

3fajor But /shan't be satisfied till you have seen it — it won't take 
you a moment. 



30 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Mrs S [Aside.'] I can only get rid of him by complying. Well, 
we'll hold a survey upon the chimney. 

Major That's right — "Come into the garden, Maud." 
[He gives her his arm, and they go into the garden, through c. door at backoff TX. 

Feath Humph, ha ! I don't quite understand these confidential 
communications between Mrs. Swandown and De Boots. I fancy 
my eloquence did not make the impression on her I expected. Once 
I thought I detected her suppressing a laugh while I was making a 
most pathetic appeal. [Knock at hall door, outside, l. — Featherley looks 
off L.] Hey ! confound it ! 'tis Icebrook himself ! What shall I say 
—how shall I explain my ingenious plan for making love for him by 
proxy ? especially as I' m not certain that I have succeeded ; on the 
contrary, I'm not sure that I have not rendered him and myself 
ridiculous. [De Boots is heard laughing in the garden.] 1 dare say she 
and that infernal little De Boots are laughing at us. 

^/Zter ICEBEOOK, L. 

Ice [Speaking off.] Very well, I'll wait! [Sees Featherley.] Bless 
me, Featherley, you here ! What are you doing in this house ? 

Feath My dear Frank, curiosity is a passion unworthy of a noble 
mind — you should endeavor to get rid of that objectionable habit of 
asking questions — you don't perceive it yourself, but your friends do. 

Ice Do they ? I' m very much obliged to you then for telling me — 
but how long have you known Mrs. Swandown ? 

Feath There you go again — I'll not answer you — you shall die of 
curiosity before I tell you ! 

[Mrs. Swandown appears in the garden, crosses from l. to ib.. , foUoived by 
De Boots. 

Ice [Perceiving them.] Hah ! Featherley, look there ! There she is 
— in the garden — beautiful vision ! How my heart goes thumping 
against my ribs — I'm not afraid— but I have a catshing at the breath 
— a sort of gasping sensation that — Hah ! who's that with her, hey ? 

Feath Don't you know ? Major De Boots, Mrs. Swandown' s tenant, 
and next door neighbor. 

Ice De Boots ! I've an instinctive antipathy to the fellow. I feel 
we are mortal foes from this moment. 

[Mrs. Swandown crosses from r. to 1a. , followed by Major De Boots. 

Feccth Hark ye, Frank — I've my suspicions the little major is 
smitten with your widow. I don't like these familiar visits without 
his wife. 

Ice Without his wife ! Hah ! monstrous independence ! I see it 
all. ^ Mrs. Swandown has been fascinated by the little rascal — she's 
gratified by his attentions — and— look there — 

[Mrs, Swandown re-enters garden with the Major, who is seen to use ani- 
mated gestures, and to point upwards toivards tlie chimneys, r. 
What is he doing ? 

Feith Don't you see ? He's doing the balcony scene from "Romeo 
and Juliet. ' ' I know every word he says by his action. 

•'What light through yonder window breaks ? 
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 31 

Ice I'll strangle the villain ! [Major jsotnte again to chimnq/s. 

Feath Now he's protesting— 

"Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear. 
That tips with silver all these fruit tree tops." 

Ice That decides the business. I'll insult the fellow — I'll pull his 
nose and compel him to challenge me — You'll be my friend, Feather- 
ley ? [Mks. Swandown and Major exit r. in garden. 

Feath With the greatest pleasure, my dear Frank. [Shakes Ice- 
brook's hand.] If you are not provided with pistols, I have a lovely 
pair of hair triggers, which I keep for the service of my friends. 

Ice You're a capital fellow, Featherley. 

Feath [Aside.] This will be a famous opportunity to escape. 

[Goi7ig. 

Ice Stop — stop— don't go till you have witnessed how I treat him. 

Fnter Mrs. Swandown, fro7n garden. 

[Apart to FEATHERLT3Y.] Ha ! look at her. Heaven gave her beauty to 
betray mankind. 

3frs S [Coming down.] Ah, Mr. Icebrook ! How long have you been 
here ? Did not Fanny tell you I was in the garden ? 

Ice Yes, Fanny told me, Mrs. Swandown — but she did not tell me 
you were so — so agreeably engaged. 

[Goes up to c. doo)% and meets Major, ivho turns, and goes off, r. — Icebrook 
following quickly after him. 

Mrs S [Aside.] Ah, jealousy ! Then the man has a heart, and I 
have at last found a key to it. Poor little major ! Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Feath [Aside.] I wish I was well out of this! [Taking his hat. 

Mrs S [To Featherley] You must not go — [She beckons him to R.J 
I wish you particularly to remain — the lady— 
[Points to boudoir and talks with him apart — Icebrook and Major walk to 

and fro in the garden, stopping frequently, and seemingly in angry conver- 
sation — Mrs. Swandown exits into boudoir, r. 

Feath So I shall see this mysterious fainting lady. Mrs. Swandown 
says she has recovered from her sudden illness, and wishes so much 
to see my AnQ;ola cat. [Looking towards the garden tvhere Icebrook and 
Major ap>pear to be quarreling.] Hey! 'Gad! they're at it. Frank 
looks as if he meant mischief, and the major swells and reddens liko 
a turkey cock. [Sits in easy chair, r.] As a friend, I don't think I 
should interfere. But why will they lose their temper when they 
quarrel ? 

[The contention, which has become violent, is terminated by Icebrook pidling 
Major's ?iose. 

Major [Shouts.] Ooh ! [Ru^-hes in from the garden holding his handker- 
chief to his nose.] Hoh ! Mr. Featherlv, that friend of yours has as- 
saulted me — pulled my nose— actually pulled it, as if it was a doc- 
tor's night bell. [Featherley rises.] I shouldn't have minded a 
slight tweak, but to have the most interesting feature of my coun- 
tenance treated with such contumely, is not to be endured. 



32 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

ICEBROOK has entered from the garden, and comes down, l. 

Ice [l.] Well, sir? 

Major [r.] Oh ! Are you aware, sir, you pulled my nose? 

Ice Perfectly, I hope I have done it effectively. 

Major Quite so— quite so. Hem ! [Aside.'] I must bounce with 
this fellow. \_Assuming an imposing attitude, and speaking loudly.'] Ob- 
serve me, sir, I'm an officer, and a gentleman — Major De Boots, sir 
— damme ! 

Ice Well, sir. 

Major Well, sir, you have wronged my honor and wrung my nose. 
Now, sir, I'm not going to bear it tamely — you have roused the 
tiger, and stirred np the rhinoceros within me — I'm a roaring vol- 
cano, a laughing hyena — a withering simoom. Ha, ha, ha ! Hey ! 
[Aside to Featherley.] I'm afraid bounce won't do with him. 

Ice Well, sir ! 

Major It is not well, sir, it's particularly d d disagreeable, sir ! 

[Apart to Featherley.] Do you think he will fight ? 

Feath [c. — Apart to him.] Undoubtedly. 

Major [Aside to Featherley.] I wish you had told me that before. 

Ice Major De Boots, I'm aware of the disgraceful part you are 
playing here— the object of your visits to this house is known. 

Major Oh, well it's a pefect matter of indifference to me whethei 
it's known or not. [Crosses to c. 

Ice [To Featherley.] There, he does not attempt to conceal his 
profligacy. [To Major.] You admit, then, that your views were di- 
rected to a certain object ? 

3Iajor Decidedly ; and I'm happy to say, Mrs." Swandown's viewe 
coincide with mine. 

Ice What, sir ! do you dare to insinuate one word against that 
lady's reputation ? 

Major No -but I assert that her chimneys are in a" dangerous 
state ; ten degrees of deflection from the perpendicular. 

Ice You think to make a laughing matter of this. 

3Iajor Well— ha, ha, ha, ha ! I have no objection, if you have 
none. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! [Mrs. Swandown heard speaking outside, R. 

Ice Mrs. Swandown is coming— laugh away, that she may suspect 
nothing. Hah, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

All Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Mrs. Swandown from boudoir, r. 

3frs S Why, gentlemen, you seem highly amused. It's quite 
delightful to see people so perfectly happy, and in such excellent 
spirits. TT 

I'eaih Oh, yes. Ha, ha !— a capital joke, was is not, Major ^ Ha, 
ha, ha, ha ! 

Major Devilish good. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

3Irs S Now I'll lay a trifling wager, gentlemen, I have a better 
joke than yours. [To Featherley.] And pou shall be the judge. 

Feath Shall I? Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Very well, Mrs. Swandown. ^ Ha, 
ha, ha, ha ! Let us have it. I'm so fond of a joke— out with it. 
[Mrs. Swandown opens door of the boudoir. 



EVERYBODY'S FEIEND. 33 

Enter Mrs. Featherley, r. 

Feath [Aside.] My wife ! That's no joke. 

Mrs S Mrs. Featherley, permit me to introduce to you — Mr. 
David Bangle. 

Ice aiid 3IaJor Bangle ! 

3frs S From the coast of Africa. 

3Iajor The coast of Africa. Ho, ho, ho, ho ! 

3frs F {Curtseying formally.'] I am delighted to make Mr. Bangle's 
acquaintance, and if ever he should have an<Hher Angola cat, such 
as that he presented to day to my dear friend, Julia— [1!/A;es Mrs. 
Swandown's hmd] may I hope he will think of me. 

Feath [Aside] Her friend, Julia ! I've made a confounded blunder 
here. 

Mrs F You may come when you like, Mr. "David Bangle ;" my 
husband is so constantly engaged with important affiurs, which take 
him from home, that I shall be thankful to any one who will help to 
dissipate the enmii of a neglected wife. 

Feath But my dear Eugenia — 

Mrs F [Curtseys.] "Mr. Bangle !" [Goes up stage. 

Feath I must speak — I ivill speak. I wish to explain how I 
came — 

Ice From the coast of Africa. 

Feath I appeal to Mrs Swandown. 

3Irs S Pray don't appeal to me. [Coquettishly. 

Ice This must be explained. 

Feath Of course it must. But how the devil can it be explained 
when nobody will listen to me? Let me find my hat— I'll not stay 
here a moment longer, to be baited and made the subject of ridicule 
for 7ny friends. [Takes his hat Jrom table.] So good day, ladies and 
gentlemen ! 

Major Good day, Bangle, my boy ! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Ice Good bye. Bangle. 

Mrs S and Mrs F Good morning, Mr. Bangle. 

[All laughing, as Featherley exits l. , and drop descends. 

Three days are supposed to have elapsed since the Second Act. 

ACT III . 

SCENE. — An ante-room in Mr. Fbatherlby's Iwuse, communicating at the 
upper angles, r. and l., with a large saloon — door of entrance, R. — door to 
interior of house, L. — lights on tables, r. and L. 

Mrs. Swandown and Mrs. Featherley enter together, l. u. e., dressed as 
for a ball. 

Mrs 8 [r.] So you have followed my advice, and instead of making 
an open quarrel with your husband, have accepted his lame excuses, 
and affected to believe that his masquerading scene at my house was 
a mere frolic. 



34 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

3Irs F [l.] Undertaken to serve a friend who lores you. 

Mrs S Ha, ha, ha, ha ! With what flimsy pretenses men fancy 
they can hoodwink their wives ! 

3[rs F Oh tliat I could still be happy in the ignorance of his errors. 

Mrs S Would you still play the credulous neglected wife, to be 
scorned or pitied by the world ? Depend upon it, Eugenia, you have 
adopted the only course which a woman of sense and spirit could 
t-ake. 

Mrs F And you answer for the result ? 

3Irs S I will stake my life upon its success. You must no longer 
be content with your position as a domestic wife, which is but 
another name for a domestic animal— assume your proper place in 
the world of fashion — be the gayest amongst the gay— court admira- 
tion, and let your husband see that your attractions can still draw 
worshipers to your feet. 

3Trs F The remedy is desperate, but I have resolved to try it ; and 
though this effort may cost me a pang, you will find I have spirit 
enough to play my part properly. This ball which I give to-night 
he knows nothing about ; I mean to take him by surprise ! 

3f7's S And dazzle him with your new-born splendor. Ah ! you 
will be the queen of the ball. 

3Irs F I shall make but a poor sovereign, for my ambition has no 
higher purpose than to secure the allegiance of one loyal heart. 

Mrs S For heaven's sake don't let your husband imagine anything 
of the kind — men only prize a woman in proportion a,s' they feel 
insecure of her affections. [Knock outside back.] There — your guests 
have begun to arrive — don't forget the part you have to play. 

3Irs F Oh ! fear not, my woman's pride will help me. 

Filter Major and Mrs. De Boots, r. d. u. e. 

3Iajor You see, Mrs. Featherley, we are with you early — nine 
o'clock — military time. [Mrs. De Boots a?id Mrs. Featherley meet 
down J,.] Mrs. Swandown, [Bows and crosses to her, r.] 'pon my word, 
this is a pleasure. 

3Irs Be B My sweet Eugenia, faithful to friendship's claims, we are 
come — the Major and myself — to join your festivities, and mingle 
the dark cypress of the past with the bright roses of the present ! 
[Mrs. Featherley and Mrs. De Boots retire a Utile. 

Major [Apart, to Mrs. Swandown.] By the bye, I've got the dove- 
colored paper you selected for our drawing room. Charming taste 
— so quiet and subdued in tone— 

3Irs S To contrast with the powerful color of the principal figure. 

3Iajor Ha, ha, ha ! Alluding to my new militia uniform? I thought 
you would remark it ! I fancy the sight of it would rather surprise 
the enemies of our country. 

Mrs S [Laughing.'] Astound them. Major. 

Mrs De B What beautiful rooms you have, Eugenia ! 

[Oomiitg dmm, L. 

Major Splendid for a waltz, and if Mrs. Swandown will do me the 
honor — 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 35 

Mrs T)e B {Overhearing Mm.] Major ! 

Major Present ! 

Mrs De B You don't waltz, dear. 

Major Don't I ? Ha, ha ! I am under the impression I do ! 

Mrs De B You don't waltz. Major ! 

3Iajar Ha, ha ! Why, it seems you are not aware of half my ac- 
complishments—you should see me spinning round like a teetotum, 
when I've got a spanking partner ! [Hums a waltz air, and waltzes to it. 
[Mrs. Featherley and Mrs. Swandown exeunt, laughing, r. u. e , flat— 

De Boots continues to waltz, till finding no one left but Mrs. De Boots, he 

takes her round the ivaist, and compels her to waltz. 

Mrs De B Major— Major— are you— are you— mad ? {They stop — 
Mrs. De Boots, l.. Major, r.] You should learn to comport yourself 
with greater dignity. 

Major Dignity be hanged ! I'm going to waltz with Mrs. Swan- 
down, our lovely landlady, and semi-detached neighbor. 

Mrs De B Major— Major— you're becoming profligate. You had 
better return home. 

Major Home ! What, before I've had an ice or a glass of cham- 
pagne ? 

Mrs De B Mere sublunary considerations. 1 will remain and 
make your apologies to Mrs. Featherley. Our darling Adolphe re- 
quires your presence. 

Major [Aside.'] I don't wish to make use of strong expressions 
towards that child— but damn our darling Adolphe ! [Grosses to l. 

Mrs De B You know how the infant angel suffers with his teeth. 

Major It' ^ so long since I was an infant angel, that I forget how 
they suffer ; but I know how an adult angel may be made to suffer. 

Mrs De B Your unfeeling conduct makes mo shudder— I don't 
want to be imperative, but— go home directly ! [Ch-osses to l. 

^ Major This is tyranny. I've a good mind to mutiny if I durst— 
I'm going, my love— I'm going— [.4.s?c^eJ but it's not improbable there 
will be an infant angel less in the world to-morrow morning. 

[Exit De Boots, r. d. 

3Irs De B His attentions to that handsome widow are becoming 
too particular— I must keep a watchful eye on my little man. 

[Exit, L. U. E. 
Re-enter De Boots, hurriedly, r. d. 

Major Bless me ! That fellow who pulled my nose the other morn- 
ing is coming up stairs, and looking as if he meant to repeat an 
operation of which the recollection is far from pleasant. 

Enter Icebrook, r. 

Lord ! here he comes ! [Crosses to l.] Now, shall I boldly run for it, 
or meet him with gentlemanly indifference ? I wish my nose wasn't 
so attractive an object. [Holds his nose in his hand. 

[Icebrook comes doivn r., frowning. 
Ice [Aside, r.] He's evidently trying to avoid me ! 

[Folds his arms, and stands, looking st&rnly ai De Boots. 



36 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Major [Aside, l.] He don't seem inclined to advance — perhaps after 
all he's only a sham— a humbug— it's within tlie scope of possibility 
he may be u-? great a coward as myself— I'll try a gentle feeler ! [7b 
IcEBROOK.] Well, sir, you are here ? 

Ice [Quickly ] I am, sir. [Major starts, and claps his hand to his nose. 

3Iajor [Aside.] "I am, sir"— that's decidedly mild. [To Ickbuook.] 
Have you any private or confidential communication to make to me, 
sir ? 

Ice [Makes a sudden step towards Major, loho clasps his hand to his nose — 
aside.] If I quarrel with him here, I may compromise Mrs. Svvandown. 
None, sir. 

JIajor None ! [Aside.] He's a humbug ! My courage begins to re- 
vive. [Assuming a fierce air, and speaking loudly] Then, sir, let me tell 
you, that your past, present, and future conduct is highly objection- 
able — and offensive, sir. 

[Mrs. Swandown appears in entrance to hall room, R. u. E. 

Ice [Losing his self commmd.] Do you think — ? 

Major [Retreating and holding his nose.] No, I don't. [Perceiving Mrs. 
Swandown, and ccside.] Ah, Mrs. Swandown! I always feel brave in 
the presence of a woman. [7b Ickbrook ] Well, sir— what if I do? 
I don't know what I think — and I don't care what you think of it. 

Mrs. Swandown cojnes down between them, c. 

Mrs 8 What, Major ! Mr. Icebrook ? for shame— high words. 

Ice Mrs. Swandown, I can't remain silent. You may not be 
aware, madam, that the attentions of Major De Boots to, you have 
not escaped my notice. ^ 

3Iajor My attentions ! 

3Irs S I confess the major has importuned me a great deal — I really 
could not get rid of him — and he was so pressing, so persevering in 
his suit — 

Ice His suit ! — He's a married man. 

Major Well, sir — what of that ? There is no occasion to remind a 
man of his misfortunes. 

3Irs S I must, however, say for my gallant tenant — 

3Iajor And semi-detached neighbor^ 

Mrs 8 That, in our frequent interviews, he never hinted at any 
damage to his heart. 

3Iajor Never — not in the least. I confined myself strictly to the 
dilapidations in my house — and as the pi-esent may be a favorable 
opportunity for saying a word about the boiler in the back kitchen — 

3Irs 8 Another time, Major. 

3Iajor Very well — the boiler can wait. [Mrs.. Swandown speiks to 
Icebrook, aside.] Hem ! I don't think the pleasure of my company 
is desired here. 

Ice Major De Boots, allow me to apologize. I perceive I have been 
mistaken, and if you give me your hand— [Grosses to c. 

3Iajar [Suspiciously — and holding his nose.] I don't know, you may 
have designs. 

Ice On my honor— 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 37 

Major Oh ! there, then. [Gives him his hand, they sJiake hayids.] I dare 
say you are a capital fellow, but allow me to give you a piece of grat- 
uitous advice ; whenever you have occasion to pull a gentleman's 
nose again — doit gently— gently, remember. 

\_Goes up and exits, l. u. e. 
Mrs S [Laughing.'] Upon my word, Mr. Icebrook, you seem to take 
an extraordinary interest in my affairs. 

Ice I — I— have a thousand apologies to make, madam, but Feath- 
erley told me he suspected the major was desperately in love with 
you. 

Mrs S Oh ! Mr. Featherley told you so— hem ! [Aside ] I owe that 
gentleman a debt I hope to pay shortly. Mr. Icebrook, I can complete- 
ly exonerate the poor little major, although I cannot do so much for 
your friend, Mr. Featherley, who has had the presumption to make 
love to me ! 

Ice [l.] My friend Featherley— the man to whom I confided the 
secret of my bosom ! lie to betray me ! and you listened to him ? 

3Irs S Only under his assumed name of Bangle, and then he was 
so eloquent and persuasive, that I was iaduced to — 
Ice What— what ! Induced to what? 

3frs S To accept these verses, which you will confess are rather 
pretty for an amateur. 

[She hands him a paper, in which the verses are loritten. 
Ice [Looking at them.] Why, these— these are the very verses he 
showed me the other morning— he wrote them to his wife before 
they were married— I wanted to get a copy of them, to send you. 
_ Mrs S To send me, Mr. Icebrook ! Ha, ha, ha ! impossible ! Sen- 
timents so warm, protestations so fervent, thoughts so glowing — 

Ice They're mine ! they're mine ! I adopt them unreservedly. 
[Aside.] I've broken the ice, and now I may as well plunge 
boldly in. 

31rs S Ha,^ ha, ha ! I really— cannot think how you— a shy, 
almost a timid man, where our sex is concerned — • 

Ice Oh, that's all over. I feel I have crossed the Rubicon of bash- 
fulness. Men have grown gray in one night — I have become impu- 
dent in five minutes. 

Mrs S [Coquetlishly.] And you expect me to believe all that you 
here protest ? 

Ice Every word of it, and a great deal more. I love you, Julia — 
may I call you Julia? — I know I may — I adore you, and I swear on 
this delicious little hand — [Kisse<i her hand. 

Mrs S Come, come, sir! [Draivs aioay her hand.] I'm not to be 
carried off by a coiqy de main, even with your impudence to help 
you. 

Ice Consider the time I have lost. Eighteen months of dumb 
devotion — • 

Mrs S They' go for nothing. 

Ice And this ring — the one you desired me to select for you. 

[Producing a ring V)hich he shows her. 
Mrs S [Smiling.] I declare, it's a wedding ring. 



38 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Ice Exactly ! It was the only one tliat pleased me— and I thought 
it might not be disagreeable to you. 

Mrs S If you hope to obtain my consent to wear it, you must 
gratify a whim of mine. 

Ice A thousand, if you desire it. 

3Irs S It is merely to pay your court to me to-night— not in my 
own person, but in that of Mrs. Featherley. 

Ice Mrs. Featherley ! 

3Irs S As my representative, nothing more. You must devote 
yourself to her— follow her — be assiduous in your attentions— in 
short, play the lover as you would to me. She may be angry, but 
you must not let that deter you — Mr. Featherley may be displeased, 
but don't mind that, — and fear not that I shall be jealous; every 
compliment you pay her, I shall know is meant for me — every pretty 
speech you make to her shall be registered in my heart to your 
account. 

Ice 'Pon ray life, there's something novel in the idea. I feel I 
have impudence enough for the attempt. 

[Guests are seen to enter ball room from r. , and cross to l. 

3Irs S Hist ! the company is arriving ;— go into the saloon, and let 
us not be seen together. [Icebrook kisses her Jiand and exits l. u. e. 

Ice This will be a glorious retaliation on Featherley for his attempt 
to impose upon me with his Angola cat. 

Enter Featherley r., followed by Trap— /je is in walking dress and ap- 
peals greatly fatigued — throws himself on sofa, r. 

Feath [Yawns.] A-aw ! I'm completely done up. I have tired my- 
self to death running all over the town, on the business of my 
friends, and I find the greater the service I render them the more 
ungrateful they are. Trap — any letters for me ? 

Trap Two, sir ! [Gives Mm two letters. 

Feath Fetch my slippers and the bootjack. [^xz^Trap, l. Feath- 
erley opens one of the letters, which he glances over.'] Hum — hum — hum 
— ah ! from old Sir Colin Fotheringay, promising to propose Major 
De Boots at the Megatherium Club :^the Major will make a very 
respectable fossil in the collection. [Puis letter in his pocket and 
opens the other. Hey ! who is this from ? [Reads the signature ] 
"Aurelia De Boots!" oh, hem! [Reads.] "My dear Felix— pardon 
the old familiar style— your plan has been completely successful — 
poor unsuspecting De Boots actually requested me to receive the 
chi\d— your child. Scarcely able to conceal my joy, I consented — 
and to-day my adored Adolphe was clasped to his dotine: mother's 
bosom. May blessings ever attend you, dear Felix. Excuse mater- 
nal emotion and a bad pen. Aurelia De Boots." [Puts the letter in 
his pocket.] "Well, that's gratifying. I'm glad to find that business 
has been successful, for by some chance or another, all my ingenious 
plans to serve my friends have latterly turned out failures, and the 
very people I meant to serve have had the ingratitude to reproach 
me as if I was their worst enemy. I believe, on my soul, the only 
way to make your friends remember you is to do them some injury. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 39 

Enter Mrs. Feathekley, r u. e. — she is now in full hall dress. 

Mrs F [Comes doicn l.] Ah, my dear Felix, I did not know you had 
come home. 

Feath [Without looking at her.'] Aw! how d'ye do, Eugenia — have 
you been out to-day, my love T— aw — I'm confoundedly tired. I in- 
tended to drive you in the park this afternoon, but — aw — business, 
you know. 

Mrs F There was not the slightest necessity for neglecting your 
important affairs for me :— I was in the park this afternoon — I drove 
for two hours there, and was so much amused that I never once 
thought of you. 

Feath I'm delighted, my dear, at anything which contributes to 
your happiness. Depend upon it, there's nothing makes us enjoy 
each other's society so much as these little absences. Where the 
devil is that fellow with the boot-jack ? 

3Irs S I quite agree with you, Felix— the monotony of married 
life would be intolerable if wives and husbands were to be condemned 
to be inseparable. 

Feath Quite true— perfectly true. [Aside.'] I never before heard a 
sentiment of that kind from her. 

Mrs F [Aside^^ Not one look at me ! [ Walking to and fro to engage 
his attention.] Not a thought to waste upon me ! He seems scarcely 
conscious of my presence — and I might, for all he knows, be old, 
ugly, and disagreeable. [Glancing at herself in the chimney glass.] In 
truth, I scarcely know myself— and as the moment of trial ap- 
proaches, I cannot help trembling for the result. But it must be — 
so no more weakness. 

Feath Aw ! I think I shall go to bed. 

Mrs F Then I shall not have the pleasure of your company this 
evening ? I give a little party to a few friends — 

Feath A party — here ! 

Mrs F Only a few friends. Will you join us ? 

Feath [Aside.] Her friends. Horribly slow people. I know what 
their parties are —three hours of scientific knowledge and domestic 
economy, served up with sherry and sandwiches. [7b Mrs. Feather- 
ley.] You really must excuse me, my dear — I'm so dreadfully 
fatigued— aw ! Will you have the goodness to ring for Trap —I want 
ray slippers. 

"Mrs F [Strikes gong on table, l.] Certainly. Then I'll say good night, 
love — bon repos. 

[She comes and kisses him owcAeeA; — Featherley then, for the first time, per- 
ceives that she is in ball dress. 

Feath [Starting up surprised.] Why, Eugenia — what — I'm amazed — 
that — that dress ! 

Mrs F [l., aside.] At last I have attracted his notice. [Turning 
round.] You like it— 'tis the latest fashion, direct from Paris. What 
do you think of the manner my hair is dressed ? 

Feath I — I think it is in admirable taste — I never saw you look 
half so beautiful. 



40 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Mrs F Ha, ha, ha ! That's exactly what Mr. Icehrook has just 
been saying to me. 

Feath Icehrook! [Aside.^ Has she made that statue speak? 
[ Waltz music heard at back.] Hey ! music too !— a dance, by all that's 
enchanting ! 

3Irs F Yes, my dear — you know I was passionately fond of dancing 
before we were married, and Mr. Icehrook tells me I waltz divinely. 

[She waltzes a few steps to the music. 

Feath What the devil is it to him how you waltz ? Why, this is a 
ball you give to-night ! 

3Irs.F [Pointing to saloons at hack, which are now filled with Guests- — 
crossing from l. to r.] As you see. [Music ceases.] You have com- 
plained of the dullness of home, and the unvarying monotony of our 
life. I mean to change all that, and have determined for the future 
to live in the world, and for the world — to make our house the 
rendezvous for all that is gay, elegant, and frivolous in London — to 
become a leader of fashion— to be as extravagant as you can desire, 
and to allow you to enjoy your own pleasures, on condition that you 
do not interfere with mine. Ah, we shall be the most careless and 
happiest couple in the world ! 

Feath Yes, possibly. But may not your scheme of happiness be 
carried a little too far ? 

Mrs F Oh, not at all. The notion of married people being eternally 
united, like a pair of snuffers, has become obsolete — I fe-'^l how 
ridiculous it was of me, to forego, at my age, the pleasures of life. 
Let us, then, agree to mutual independence — you do as you please, 
and let me follow my own inclinations. And when I give a party— 
you can go to bed, my dear. 

Feath No — on second thoughts, I think I'll join your charming 
reunion. 

M7-S F Pray, my dear, don't think of inconveniencing yourself on 
my account — I shall enjoy my&elf quite as well without you. You 
really must go to bed, you look so wretchedly tired. 

Feath Excuse me, Eugenia, I feel quite fresh nov/, and a little 
amusement will do me good. 

Enter Icebrook from ball room l. u. e. , down l. 

3Irs F Allow me to differ with you— you require repose and quiet. 
Mr. Icebrook, what do you think? I'm persuading Felix to go to 
bed, he's really not fit for the excitement of a ball. Did you ever 
see any one look so dreadfully haggard— so completely worn out as 
he does ? 

Ice Never. Take my advice, and go to bed directly— Mrs. Feath- 
erley will be under my protection. 

Feath But, Eugenia, you are not going--I want to speak with 
you. 

3frs F You must excuse me, my dear, I must return to my guests. 
Besides, you are so tired and sleepy, you'll be better left to yourself. 

[3Iusic oficaJtz in ball room. 

Ice Ah, there's the deux temps commenced ? [To Mrs. Featherlet.] 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 41 

You're engaged to me. [Gives his arm to Mrs. Fkatherley.] Now 
do go to bed, Featherley, make your mind perfectly easy— I will 
waltz with your wife all to-night— so go now, my dear fellow, and let 
me recommend a basin of gruel, with a glass of sherry in it, before 
you go to sleep. 

[Exeimt IcEBROOK and Mrs. Featherley i7ito ball room, l. u. e. 

Music ceases — Miter Trap, l. c. 

Ti-ap Bootjack and slippers, sir. 

Feath Confound your bootjack and slippers ! 

[Takes them, and throivs them at Trap, who exits, l. c. _ 
Eugenia's sudden metamorphosis astonishes me ! What does it 
mean ? Her splendid dress— her altered manner ? She, that was so 
staid— so reserved— so domestic— to blaze out suddenly a woman of 
ton and fashion— and to recommend me to go to bed, while she's 
waltzing with that fellow, Icebrook. No, I'll not stand that. I'll 
not be treated like a school-boy in my own house. 

Major De Boots, who has come from ball room, l. u. e., steps Feather- 
ley as he is going hastily towards l. d. 

3Iajor Ah, Featherley ! I feared we should not have seen you to- 
night. Where are, you going? 

Feath Going to dress for my wife's ball— don't detam me. 

3Ia]or Oh, you need be in no hurry, Mrs. Featherley makes such a 
deli^^htful hostess that we can very well do without you. There she 
is all smiles, and graces, and spirit— the most brilliant beauty in the 
room. Egad, Featherley, you'll have to take care of your wife- 
nobody suspected you possessed such a treasure. 

I'eath Well, well, d— n it— let me go. 

Major I repeat, there's no occasion to be in a hurry— nobody 
want^ you— nobodv thinks of you there. I wish you'd tell me— 
what have you' done about having me proposed at the Megatherium 

^Mh Oh it's all right— I managed that business for you with Sir 
Coram Fotheringay-there' s his letter. [Takes Mrs. De Boots' letter, 
by mistake, from his pocket, and gives it to Major.] I hope it will satisfy 
f ' [Lxit, l. 

^""Major 1 knew Featherley would do the business for me ! [Opens 
the letter.-] What does Sir Coram say ? [Reads.] " My dear lelix-par- 
dontheold familiar style-" A very extraordinary stj^le for a baio- 
net ! " Your plan has been completely successful -A little man- 
agement was necessary, I suppose. "Poor, unsupectmg De Boots 
actally requested me to receive the child-your child- Hey • wnai 
does it mean ? Um, um ! "adored Adolphe-mother s.J)osom-bad 
pen." Ha! ha! " Aurelia De Boots." Oh, my wife-it s her writ- 
ing. My wife-mv friend-my chdd-his child-her child-o r 
child ! 6, eood heavens ! I see through the whole stratngem^ _ 1 ve 
been duped' by that superior woman— betrayed by that false tnenci 
But the villain shall perish by this outraged hand— he shall hght 



42 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

me — he shall — I feel a sudden valor inflame me — my wounded honor 
calls for vengeance, and vengeance it shall have. My pistols — ha ! 

[JExit precipitately, R. D. 

UnterMus. Featherley /ro/w ballroom, l. u. ^. , followed immediatehj of ten- 

by ICEBROOK. 

Mrs F What shall I do ? Mr. Icebrook, whose modesty I thought 
would scarcely suffer him to look a woman in the face, has been sud- 
denly transformed to the most impudent of men. Have I been 
playing a hazardous game, and unconsciously drawn upon myself 
this persecution ? [Icebrook comes down, l.] There is no escaping 
from him. 

Ice Why will you fly me, loveliest of women ? Why repel me by 
those disdainful glances, when my hopes of life and happiness hang 
upon your smile ? 

Mrs F Mr. Icebrook, I cannot listen to you — leave me, sir, this 
moment. 

Ice I can't ; I must unfold my heart to you. 

Mrs F What have you seen in my conduct, sir, that warrants your 
addressing such language to me. 

Ice Nothing ; you are propriety personified. But I have a mission 
to perform. 

Mrs F A mission to insult me, sir ? 

Ice Not in the remotest deegree. *A11 I ask of you, is to say you 
love me — to look upon me with tender regard. 

\He drops on his knees before her at the moment that Featherlet, in even- 
ing costume, enters, l., without being jjercdved — he stands overwhelmed 
with astonishment. 

Only say you love me — think of the years that my passion has been 
pent up in this burning bosom — cast a pitying eye on the most de- 
voted of your adorers ! 

[Featherlet rushes forward — Mrs. Featherlet screams, and attempts to 
retreat, but is withheld by Icebrook. 

Mrs. Swandown appears at entrance of ball room, r. u. e. 

Say you love me, dearest ! 

F'eath You infernal scoundrel ! [^Down l. 

Ice My dear fellow — don't interrupt me — it's no affair of yours. 
\To Mrs. Featherlet.] One word of hope— one smile of comfort — 

Mrs S [Snatching away her hand, crosses to Featherlet.] Begone, sir. 
Felix, believe me, I am not to blame in this. 

Ice [Rising.] Why the devil did you interfere, when I told you it 
was no business of yours ? 

Mrs 8 [Coming r. of Icebrook.] It was highly imprudent to do so. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 43 

Feaih No business of mine— no business of mine ? although I find 
you on your knees, making love to my wife ! 

Ice I don't deny it— I did give utterance to my passion in the lan- 
guage of the heart — I couldn't help it— and if you had not popped 
in so awkwardly — 

Mrs S You might have achieved a victory? 

Ice That is what I was modestly about to suggest. 

Mrs F Julia ! Felix ! I could cry with vexation to be made the 
jest and scorn of a fool ! 

Ice Fool ! Ha, ha, ha, ha ! I expected it. Fool ! 

Feath Villain, if you prefer it ! 

Ice Villain ! from my friend, too ! But love supports me under 
every indignity. 

Mrs S [Half apart to Icebrook.] And if love does not reward you 
for your fidelity, never trust more in woman's word. 

FMer Major Db Boots r., with pistol case. 

Major [Adva7icing down r.] If you want a villain, he stands there. 
[Pointing to Featherley.] There— the ruthless destroyer of my peace ! 

Enter Mrs. De Boots, from hall roam, l. u. e. , dovm r. of Icebrook. 

The trampler on the tenderest corn of my heart— the domestic vam- 
pire, who has betrayed the unsuspecting De Boots. [Mrs. De Boots 
screams, and faints in the arms of Icebhook— general movement.] Ha, ha ! 
there, feast your eyes upon the wreck you have made— contemplate 
your victim, and prepare to give deadly satisfaction to an infuriated 
husband. [Tapping his pistol case. 

Feath My dear major, don't excite yourself— keep quiet ! 

Major No, sir, I won't — my days of quiteness are over- -the lion 
has taken the place of the lamb in my bosom, and demands death or 
satisfaction — satisfaction or death ! 

Mrs F Good heavens ! what does it mean ? Of what crime are you 
accused ? 

Feath A very serious one, madam, that of trying to serve my 
friends. 

Major And here's the proof how you serve them— this letter, 
written to you by that superior victim who lies there insensible — 

Ice A lovely load of grief. 

Feath [Aside ] What a confounded blunder I have committed— 
I've given him the wrong letter. 

Major [Offering Mrs. Featherley the letter to read.] Read it, Mrs. 
Featherley ! 

Mrs De B [Suddenly starting up and snatching the letter.] That secret is 
mine— it must not be profaned by common eyes— 'tis I who must ex- 
plain it— let me, however, add, that Mr. Featherley's conduct has 
been dictated by the purest friendship. 

Feath Bravo ! There's gratitude still in the world. 



44 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Mrs S [Apart.] And retaliation — as you will find ! 

3Irs. Be B [In a commanding voice.] Major I 

Major Present. 

3Trs Be B Retire with me, if you please ; I wish to confer with 
you in private. 

Major Certainly, my love ! [They go up— aside.] I am a lamb again ! 
[He follows her into the entrance of i/ie ball room, r. u. e., where they con- 
verse. 

Mrs S [Orosses to Featherley.] And while Mrs. De Boots is confid- 
ing her delicate mystery to the major, let me confess that it was I 
who made Mr. Icebrook pay such violent court to Mrs. Featherley. 

Jirsi^ You, Julia? 

Ice But only as Mrs. Swandown's representative. 

Mrs 8 1 enjoined him, as he expected my favor, to devote himself 
to you, and play the lover to you all through this evening. 

Ice And for a modest man I flatter myself I acquitted myself very 
satisfactorily. 

3Irs F Pray never let me hear you disparage your merits by calling 
yourself a modest man again. 

Ice Well ! I believe modesty was only the shell to my native as- 
surance—and now I've broken it, I dare say in time I may come to 
be as impudent a fellow as our friend Featherley. 

Feath Oh ! very well — very clearly explained — but what was the 
object of this little mystification ? for I suppose there was an object. 

Mrs S Undoubtedly— to punish a certain Mr. David Bangle for an 
impertinent trick he played upon me — and to teach Mr. Felix Feath- 
erley that the husband who carries his merchandise abroad, should 
take care that his market be not forestalled at home. 

Feath I candidly confess the Bangle imposture, but it was practiced 
in the sacred cause of friendship. 

Mrs F Friendship ! Did I not hear you protest your love for Mrs. 
Swandown ? Did I not see you kneeling at her feet ? 

Feath Very likely — but for whom was I in that humble posture ? 
My friend ! I was merely holding a brief for Icebrook, who wanted 
courage to speak for himself — I did all I possibly could for you, 
Frank. 

Ice So it seems, by making love for yourself ! 

Feath No — for you — for you ! Mrs. Swandown will bear witness to 
that. 

3Irs S I wish I could ; but you never alluded to your friend ! 

3Irs F Oh ! never. 

Ice Never. 

Feath That's nothing to the purpose. It was for Frank I was 
eloquent and passionate — it was for him I endeavored to soften Mrs. 
Swandown's heart by a sonnet. 

Mrs F The sonnet which in the days of our first love you gave to 
me. 

Ice The sonnet which you said would do my business with the 
widow. 



EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 45 

Mrs S The sonnet which I now return to the inflamniable writer. 

[Offers him the pai^er. 

Feath Stay ! have you read it ? 

31rs *S' At a distance — I dare not trust my eyes too near such a 
glowing composition. 

Feath And you imagine I had incendiary designs upon your heart? 

Mrs S J hat is an inevitable conclusion. 

Feath Now have the goodness to turn over the leaf and read what 
you find on the other side. 

3Irs S [Turns over the leaf on which the sonnet is ivriifen, and reads on the 
hack.] " Dearest lady, in your presence love is dumb : read the con- 
fession of my heart with pity, and believe in the eternity of a passion 
which can never decay — Frank Icebrook." 

Ice Did I really write that ? Ha, ha ! I like my prose much better 
than my poetry. 

Mrs S To be candid with you, so do I ; and if you ti>e still in the 
mind to acknowledge this writing: as your hand and deed; -vhy I'll 
not be cruel — there's my hand, and, whenever you please, you may 
seal the bond. 

Ice Upon the fairest skin that ever love engrossed ! [Kisses her hand. 1 
'Pon my life, I'm very much obliged to you, my dear Featherley ; 
you really are a friend ! 

Mrs 8 The kindest and best of friends ! 

Mrs F Felix — dearest Felix, your heart then has never wandered 
from me? 

Feath Never for a moment ! The fault that has too often made 
me a truant from your side, was the desire to serve everybody who 
needed my help, while I neglected my home. But the error shall be 
corrected, Eugenia— henceforth I'll leave my friends to Providence, 
and devote myself to my wife I 

[Embraces her — Mr. and Mrs. De Boots come doivn. 

3Irs F Enough, dear Felix — I am satisfied. 

Major And so am I — perfectly saiisfied. Featherley, your hand — • 
I ask your pardon for my insane suspicions. [Apart to Featherley.] 
That superior woman has disclosed her delicate secret to me. Ah I 
you are a friend ! [Crosses to L. corner. 

Mrs De B [Apart to Featherley.] I've told all to De Boots, and he 
has consented to adopt my darling Adolphe. 'Tis to you I owe this 
happiness, dear Felix— pardon inadvertence, Mr. Featherley— yow 
whom I shall ever call my friend. 

Feath Egad ! it seems they're determined to stick to their friend. 

Mrs S But friends are only prized when they are rare ; 

A common friend is like the common air 

Which thankless blows on all. 
Mrs De B But if for life 

You seek a bosom friend 

Turn to a wife — • 
Ice Or widow, who may be a wife ere long. 



46 EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. 

Major * Allow me to observe you all are wrong. 

Choose for a friend a party without fear 

Of man or woman. 
Mm De B Major ! 

3Iajor Dumb, my dear ! 

leath [To Audience.] " To err is human, to forgive, divine," 

I think I've somewhere heard or read that line ; 

But still a good thing can't be said too often, 

If but one critic's heart it helps to soften. 

Our fate is in your hands ; if you commend, 

I'll be yours and " Everybody's Friend." 

Mrs. F. Feath. 
Mrs. S. Mrs. De B. 

lOE. Major. 

^ THE END I. 



De 'Witt's Acting Plays — Continued. 



49. 



The Midnight "Watch. Drama. 1 Act. 

By Joliu M. Morton. 8 Male, 2 Female CUar- 

acteis. 
The Porter's Kaot. Serlo-Cnmtc Drama. 

2 Acts. By John Oxeaford. 8 Male, 2 Female 

Cliaractei'S. 
A Model for a 'Wife. Farce. 1 Act. By 

AKred Wigan. 3 Male, 2 Female Characters. 
A Cup of Tea. Camedletta. 1 Act. By 

Charles Nuitter and J. Uerley. 3 Male, 1 Fe- 
male Characters. 
Certrade's MoaeyKox. Farce. I Act. 

By Uarry Lemou. 4 Male, 2 Femaltt Characters. 
The ITomig Collegian, Farce. 1 Act. 

By T. W. ItobertBon. 3 Male, 2 Female Char- 
acters. 
Cathd^Ine Ko^ivard; erjThe Throne, the 

Tomb and the Scaffold. Uistorio Play. 3 Acts. 

By W. D. Suter. 12 Male, 5 Female Characters. 
T'vro CSay Deceivers « oi , Black, Whit* 

and Gray. Paice. 1 Act. By T. W. Bobert- 

son. 3 Male Characters. 
Noemie. Drama. 2 Acts. By T. W. Eobcrt- 

son. 4 Male, 4 Female Characters. 
Dehorah (Leah) ; or. The Jewish Maiden's 

Wrong. Drama. 3 Acts. By Chai. Smith 

Cheltnam. 7 Male, 6 Female Characters. 
The IPost-Boy. Drama. 2 Acts. By H. T. 

CraTen. 5 Male, 3 Female Charactei-s. 
The Hidden Hand; or, The Gray Lady of 

Forth Veiinon. Drama. 4 Acts. By Tom 

Taylor. 5 Male, 6 Female Characters. 
Plot and Passion. Drama. 3 Acts. By 

Tom Taylor. 7 Male, 2 Female Characters. 
A Photographic Fix. Farce. lAct. By 

Fi-edericlc Uay. 3 Male, 2 Female Charac- 

tai-8. 
Marriage at any Price. Farce. 1 Act. 

By J. P. Wooler. 6 Male, 3 Femal« Charao- 

ters. 
A Household Fairy. A Domestic Sketch. 

1 Act. By Francia Talfourd. 1 Male, 1 Fe- 
male Characters. 
Checkmate. Comedy Farce. 2 Acts. By 

Andrew BalUday. 6 Male, 6 Female Charac- 
ters. 
The Orange Girl. Drama, In a Prologue 

and 3 Acts. By Ueury Leslie. 18Male,4Fe- 

malo Characters. 
The Birth-place of Podgers. Farce. 

1 Act. By John HoUiugshead. 7 Male, 3 Fe- 
male Characters. 
The Che-valier de St. George. Drama. 

a Acts. ByT. W. Bobertsou. 9 Male, 3 Fe- 
male Characte". 
Caught bjt^e CnflT. Farce. 1 Act. By 

Frederick Uiwy. 4 Male, 1 Female Character!. 
The Bonnie Fish 'Wife. Farce. 1 Act. 

By Cliarles belby. 3 Male, 1 Female Character*. 
Doing for the Best. Domestic Drama. % 

Acts. By M. Baphino Lacy. 6 Male, 3 Femala 

Characters. 
A Lanae Elzcmse. Farce. 1 Act. By Freit- 

erick Hay. 4 Male, 2 Female Characters. 
Fettered. Drama. 8 Acts, By 'Watts PhU- 

lips. H M.ile, 4 Female Characters. 
The Garrick Fover. Farce. lAct. By 

J. K. Planche. 7 Male, 4 Female Characters. 
Adrienne. Drama. 3 Acts. By Henry Leslie. 

7 Male, 3 Female Characters, 
Chops of the Channel. Kanttcal Farce. 

lAct. By Frederick Hay. S Male, 2 Female 

Characters. 
The Roll of the Drum. Drama. S Acts. 

By Thomas Egerton 'VVilks. 6 Male, 4 Female 

Characters. 
Special Perfformancses. Fatxse. 1 Act. 

By Wtlmot HarrUoa. 7 Male, 3 Vemalo Obai^ 

•cters. 

A Sheep In '¥VoIf*s Clothing. Domestio 

Drama. 1 Act. By Tom Taylor. T Uale.t 

Female Characters. 



80. A Charming Pair. Farce. 1 Act. By 

Thomas J. Willianiis. 4 Male, 3 Female Char- 
acters. 

81. ITandyke Bro'crn. Farce. 1 Act. By X. 

C. Trnughton. 3 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

82. Peep o' Day ; or, Savourneen Dheellsh, 

(New Diury Lane Version.) Irish Drama, 4 
Acts. By Edmund Falconer. 12 Male, 4 Fe- 
male Characters. 

83. Thrice Married. Personation Piece. 1 

Act. By Howard Paul. 6 Male, 1 Female 
Characters. 

84. Not Guilty. Drama. 4 Acts. By Watts 

Pliilliim. 10 Male. G Female Characters. 

85. Shocked In with a Lady. Sketch from 

Life. By U. B. Addison. 1 Male, 1 Female 
Characters. 

86. The Lady of Lyons j or, Love and Pride. 

(The Pecliter Version.) Play. 6 Acts. By 
Lord Lj tton. 10 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

87. Locked Out. Comic Scene. I Act. By 

Howard PavU. 1 Male, 1 Femiile ChR-ractera. 

88. Founded on Facts. Farce. 1 Act. By 

J.P. Wooler, 4 Male, 2 Female Character*- 

89. Aunt Charlotte's Maid. Farse. 1 Act. 

Uy J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female Charao- 
tei-8. 

90. Only a Halfpenny. Farce. 1 Act. By 

John Oxenford, 2 Male, 3 Fenw^ie Characters. 
9L "Walpoles or, Every Man has his Price. 
Comedy in Rhyme. 3 Acts. By tiord Lytton. 
7 Male. 2 Female Characters. 

92. My •Wife's Out. Farce. 1 Act. By Cf. 

Herbert Bod well, 2 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

93. The Area Belle. Farce. lAct. ByWIllIaiEi 

Brough and Andrew Halliday. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male Characters. 

94. Our Clerks ; or, No. 8 Fig Tree Court Tem- 

ple. Farce. 1 Act. 7 Male, 6 Female Chaiw 
Bcters. 

95. The Pretty Horse Breaker. Farce. 

1 Act. By William Brou(?h and Andrew Halli- 
day. 3 Male, 10 I'>male Characters. 

96. Dearest Manuna. Comedietta. 1 Act. 

By Walter Gordon. 4 Male, 3 Female Charac- 
ters. 

97. Orange Blossoms. Comedietta. 1 Act. 

By J. P. Wooler. 3 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

98. 'Who is "^Vho? or. All In a For. Farce. 

lA.t. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fo- 
male Characters. 

99. The Fifth "Wheel. Comedy. S Acts. 10 

Mai-. 2 Female Characters, 
100. Jack Long ; or. The Shot In the Eye. Drama. 
9 ActK. By J. B. Johnstone. 6 Male, 1 Female 
Characters. 
101. Fernande. Dram*. 8 Acts. By Viotoriea 
Gardou. 11 Male, 10 Female Characters. 

lOS Foiled, Drama. 4 Acts. By 0. \7. Cornish 

8 Male, 3 Female Characters 

103. Faust ond Margnerltto. Drama, s 

Acta. By T. W. RoberUon. 9 Male, 7 Female 
Characters. 

104. No Name. 

Ims. 7 Male, 

106. "WTllch of th»* Two. Comedietta. 1 Act 

By John M Morton. 2 Male, 10 Female Cliaraotsrg 
IW. Tip for tlio Cattle Show. Farce. lAot 
By Uarry Lemon. 6 Male, 3 Female Characters 

107. CaI>l^oard IJOVO. Farce. 1 Act. By Fred- 

erick Hay. 2 Uale, 1 Female Characters 

108. Mr. t^cro^^lns. Farce. lAct. ByWiUlaa 

Hancock, a Male , L! Tonale Cliaraoters 
108. liOcktd In. Comcaictta. 1 Act. By J. P. 
Wooler. iMa^e,3FcmaleCharacters 

110. Poppleton'« PredlcRTOCtitw. Fare^ 1 

Act. By Charles M.lUe. 8 Male. 6 Famals Ohai> 
acteri 

111. The Liar. Comedy. SAets. By BamnPoote: 

Altered and adapted by CfaarlM Matdtew*. 7 Male 
•ad 8 FemaU Chasaet«n. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



De Witt's Acting 



No 

112. Not a Bit JealoiM. A Farce.in 1 Act. By 

T. AV. Robertson. 3 Male, 3 Female characters 

113. Cyrll'8 Siiecees. Comedy, in 5 Acts. By II. 

J. Byron. 9 Male, 5 Female characters. 

114. Anything for a Change. Petite Comeily, 

in 1 Act. By Shirley Brooks. 3 Male, 3 Fe- 
male characters. 

115. New Men and Old Acres. Comedy, in ;- 

Acts. By Tom Taylor. 8 Male, 5 Female char- 
acters. 

116. I'm net Mesllf at all. An Original Irish 
Stew, liy C. A. Maltby. 3 Male, 2 Female 
characters 

117. Not Such a Fool as he Looks. Farcical 

Drama, in 3 Acts. By H.J.Byron. 5 Male, 4 
Female characters. 

118. Wanted, a Young Lady. F.arce, in 1 Act. 

By W . E. Suter. 3 Male characters. 

119. A Life Chase. Drama, in 5 Acts. By John 

Oxeiiibrd. 14 Male, 5 Female characters 

120. A Tempest in a 1 ea Pot. Petite Comedy, 

in 1 Act. By Thomas Picton. 2 Male, 1 Fe- 
male cliar;,c:ers 

121. A Comical Counters. Farce, in 1 Act. By 

William Brough. 3 Male, 1 Female characters 

122. Isabella Orsinl. Romantic Drama, in 4 Acts- 

By S. 11. Mosenthal. 11 Male, 4 Female charac- 
ters 

123. The Two Poets. Farce. By John Court- 

nay. 4 Male, 4 Female characters 

124. The Volunteer Keview. A Farce. By 

Thomas J. Williams, Esq. 6 Male, b Female 
characters 

125. I>eerfoot, Farce, in 1 Act. By F. C. Bur- 

nand, Esq. ."> Male, 1 Female characters 

126. Twice Killed. Farce. By John Oxenford.— 

6 Male, 3 Female characters 

127. Pegrcy Green. Farce. By Charles Selby.— 

3 Male, 10 Fi-malc characters 

128. The Female Detective. Original Drama> 

in 3 Acts. By C. H. Hazlewood, 11 Male,4 
Female charaters 

129. In lor o Holiday. Farce.in 1 Act. By F. C. 

Burnand, Esq. 2 Male, 3 Female characters 

130. My Wife's Diary, Farce, in 1 Act. By T. 

W. Robertson, 3 Male, 1 Female characters 

131. Go to Putney. Original Farce, in 1 Act. By 

Harry Lemon. 3 Male, 4 Female characters 

132. A Uace for a Dinner. Farce By J. T. 



133. Timothy to the Hescue. Original Farce^ 

in 1 Act. By Henry J. Byron, Esq, 4 Male, 

2 Female characters 

134. Tompkins the Troubadour. F.iroc, in 1 

Act. By Messrs. Lockroy and Marc Michel.— 

3 Male, 2 Female characters 

135. Everybody's Friend. Original Comedy.in 

3 Acts. By J. Stirling Coyne. Esq. 6 Male, 5 
Female characters 
136 The Woman in Red. Drama,in 3 Actsand 
a Prologue. By J. Stirling Coyne, Esq. 6 Male 
S Female characters ' 



017 197 045 3 % 

, «., •Cleaning me Ban. Drama, 

in? Acts. By Adolphe Celot. 11 Male,5 Fe- 
male characters 

138. Poll and Partner Joe ; or the Pride of Put- 

ney, and the Pressing Pirate. New and Origi- 
nal Nautical Burlesque. By F C. Burnand. ' 

7 Male, 6 Female characters 

139. J- J Is Dangerons. Comedy, in 2 Acts. By 

James Mortimer. 3 Male, 3 Female characters 

140. Never Reekon your Chickens. Farce, in 

1 Aa. By W;>bert Reeve. 3 Male, 4 Female 
el»ftracters 

141. The Bells ; or. The Polish Jew. Ro- 

mantic Moral Drama, in 3 Acts. By Henry L. 
Williams, Jr. 9 Male, 3 Female characters. 

142. Dollars and Cents. Original American 
Comedy, in 3 Acts. Ky L. J. Uollenius, Ksq. 
10 Male, 4 Female Characters. 

143. Lodgers and Dod«fers. Farce, in 1 Act. 

By Frederick Hay. 4 Male, 2 Female char- 
aiters. 

144. The Lancashire Lass ; or. Tempt- 

ed, Tried and True. Domestic Melo- 
drama, in 4 Acts and a I'rologue. By Henry 
J. Byron. 12 Male, 3 Female characters. 

145. First Love. Comedy, in 1 Act. By L. J. 

HoUeniug, Esq. 4 Male, 1 Female cliaraciers. 

146. There's no Smoke "Without Fire. 

Comedietta, in 1 Act. By Thomas Plotoi;. 
1 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

147. The Overland Route. Comedy, in 3 

Acts. By Tom Taylor. 11 Male, 6 Female 
chaiacters. 

148. Cut oir IVith a Shilling. Comedietta, 

In 1 Act. By 8. Theyre Smith. 2 Male, I Fe- 
male characters. 

149. Clouds. An Original American Comedy, in 

4 Acts. By Fred Marsden. 8 Male, e Female 
characters. 

150. A Tell-Tale Heart. Comedietta, in 1 

Act. By Thomas Picton. 1 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

151. A. Hard Case. Farce, in-1 Act. By T'aus. 

Picton. 2 Male characters. 

152. Cupid's Eye-Glass. Comedy, in ] Act. 

By Thomas Pictou. 1 Male, 1 Female char- 
acters, 

153. 'Tis Better to Live Than to Die, 

Petite Comedy, in 1 Act. By Thomas Picton. 
- 2 Male, 1 Female characters. 

154. niaria and IHagdalena. Play, in 4 Acts. 

By h. J. Uollenius, Esq. 10 Male, 6 Female 
characters. 

155. Our Heroes. Military Play, in 5 Acts. By 

John B. Keuauld. 25 Male, 5 Female char- 
acters. 

156. Peace at Any Price. Farce, la 1 Act. 

By T. W. Robertson. 1 Male, 1 Female char- 
acters. 

157. Quite at Home. Comedietta, in 1 Act. 

By Arthur Sketchley. 6 Male, 2 Female char- 
acters. 

158. School. Comedy, in 4 Acts. By T. W. Bob- 

ertson. 6 Male, 3 Female Characters. 

159. In the IVrong House j or, IVo. Six 

Duke Street. Farce. By Martin Becher. 
4 Male, 2 Female characters. 

160. Blow for Blow. Drama, In a Prologue 

and 3 Act*. By Henry J. Byron. 5 Male, 4 
Female characters. 



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